My Pregnancy/Baby Statistics

*A post I wrote a few months ago but didn't publish.

It is hard to believe we are coming quickly to the end of this pregnancy and Lord willing meeting our new little man.  This week marks 33 weeks.  This has to be my fastest pregnancy yet.  I am at the my body is achy, uncomfortable and tired stage.  As I told a friend this morning at church, this was so much easier when I was 23 (the age I was with my first child).

This made me think of writing down some statistics mainly out of my own curiosity.

So in the past 14 years ...

*I have been pregnant for 81 months which equals 6.75 years.  That is almost 7 years people...pregnant for 7 years.  Holy cow!  Steve and I have been married for 15 years this past August (good thing he likes it when I am pregnant.)

*I have been nursing one of our babies for a total of around 7 years as well.  So in other words, I have been either been pregnant or nursing the last 14 years.

*Conservatively, we have changed around 25,000 diapers.  I don't even want to calculate how much money that has cost us (but Steve did and says it's around $8,000).  We should have started using cloth diapers with our first baby.

*We've celebrated 58 birthdays with our kids.  All of our birthdays range between December and August.  We celebrate three birthdays in one month, two birthdays in one month, and a single birthday in three separate months.

*I've given birth in two countries, but also only two cities and in only two hospitals.

*The same doctor has delivered seven of our children and a midwife delivered one.

*I have completed one sprint triathlon...while pregnant.

*We have always struggled picking boys names, and joke that this baby boy will be named "Steve Jr."

Little Faith...Big God

As I said just yesterday, why does God always put me in a place of waiting?  In the next breath I answered it...because without waiting on Him for something we would have no reason to trust Him.  Isn't that where He wants us...to have complete dependence and faith in Him?

It's hard though.  Isn't it?

One would think that after the rough year we've had I would have perfected this area of my life, but I haven't.  I have grown in trusting God more, but I'm not there yet.  Each and every day something comes up and causes me to question.  Do I really trust that God loves me enough to care about this circumstance?  Do I trust He has time for me?  Do I believe He will act on my behalf because I am His child?  Do I really believe He causes all things for good for those who love Him?

When I am doing this questioning, I am taking my eyes off of Jesus and putting them on my problems, my circumstances.

This brings to mind the story of Peter in Matthew 14:28:33.

The story begins with Jesus walking on the water out to his disciples.  They were afraid when they saw him and thought He was a ghost.  Because, really how many times do we see someone walking on water?  When Peter saw Jesus, he called to Jesus and said, "Lord, if its you, command me to come to you on the water."  Jesus told him to come.  Peter then climbed out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus.

What happens next is what happens to me over and over again.

When Peter saw the wind, he was afraid and began to sink.  I equate the wind to his circumstances, his problems, his fears, or his trials.  He let his fear overcome him.  He was focusing more on the wind, his circumstances, instead of on Jesus.  The result was that he began to sink.  But when Peter noticed he was sinking, he cried out to Jesus, "Lord, save me" and in another translation, "Lord, help me."

IMMEDIATELY!  Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him.  Jesus didn't wait until he sank completely.  Once Peter turned his focus back to Jesus and called out to him, Jesus saved him.  Jesus came to the rescue.  Then Jesus said, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Ugh!  That's me.  Peter knew who Jesus was because in the beginning of the story Peter called him Lord.  He had obviously experienced him in the past enough to call him Lord, but he still doubted.  The reason he doubted is because he took his eyes off of Jesus and put them on his circumstances, the wind.  This is not where the Lord desires our eyes to be.  We need to take our eyes off of our circumstances and put them on the Lord.

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith..."  Hebrews 12:1&2 

Did you see that?  The perfecter of our faith.  Jesus called it.  What Peter and I both lack is faith.  The thing is we don't get faith by working harder.  We cannot attain more faith ourselves.  Jesus perfects our faith as we turn our eyes back to Him.  He is the one who grows our faith.

After Jesus saved Peter, they climbed into the boat and the wind stopped.  Next, the disciples worshiped Jesus saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

I need to make sure that my response to Jesus rescuing me is always worship.  After all, that is why He made me...to worship Him.

What circumstance is going on in your life right now that you need to take your eyes off of?  What is keeping you from turning your eyes to Jesus?

He is able!

Cry out to him.  Lord, help me!

 and He will.

Jesus, Name Above All Names

As I sit to pray and reflect this morning, my eyes are drawn to a Christmas tree we have in our living room.  On it, we have placed some of the many names of Jesus.

*Holy and Righteous One
*Rock
*Immanuel
*Prince of Peace
*Bread of Life
*Redeemer
*I Am
*Good Shepherd

As I look closer at the tree, I realize someone has placed the name Jesus at the very top of the tree, hanging from the star.  At first I chuckle, but then I am impacted by the place where one of the kids put His name.  I am amazed at their understanding.  This morning, as I gaze at the tree and praise God for how I have experienced each of the names of Jesus in my own life, the song Jesus Name Above All Names comes to mind.  Apparently, the child who placed Jesus at the very top of the tree agrees that His name deserves the very top.

All this makes me wonder if I am putting Jesus name above all else.  How easy it is to get distracted by all the Christmas commotion.  My prayer for myself and for all of you is that this Christmas season, we would each put Jesus at the very top, that we would give Him the highest place in our lives and as we do that we would experience more of who He is.

Another song comes to mind...

On the altar of my praise, let their be no higher praise
Jesus Son of God

You laid down Your perfect life
You are the sacrifice
Jesus Son of God
You are Jesus Son of God!

Making Worshipers

Recently, Steve and I took a parenting class through our church.  One of the biggest things that impacted me about the class was a point they made that as parents we are teaching our kids to be worshipers of God.  You see, everyone worships something:  themselves, people, jobs, possessions, status, etc.  My kids will worship something.  My desire and God's desire is that they worship the One True God.

The other day, as I was thinking about Charlotte and our current baby boy growing inside of me, God put a peace in my heart.  I wondered for a second why God would choose to create Charlotte only to take her immediately to be with Him.  Then it hit me.  God created us to worship Him!  It doesn't matter to Him if we've lived an actual life on this earth or if we bypassed earth and head straight to worship Him in Heaven as Charlotte did.

When I think of this little boy growing inside of me, I have such a great peace.  God has been so gracious with me in giving me such a calm, peacefulness throughout this pregnancy.  It is simply amazing.  I trust and know God has created this new being with a specific plan...to worship Him!  This little boy will either learn and practice worshiping God here on this earth as part of our family, or he will be placed directly in front of the Lord's throne worshiping God in Heaven.  Although I desire nothing more than to have him here with us on this earth, I know that one day I will worship our mighty God for eternity with him in Heaven, as I will one day do with Charlotte.  

I really need to watch my perspective to make sure I am not focusing on the temporal, the here and now, and make sure I am keeping my eyes on my King and the eternal.  And in the mean time, I have a huge responsibility, teaching my other children how to be God worshipers.

Waiting in Faith

Last week I had an appointment with a Perinatologist to have a detailed sonogram on the baby and get his opinion if we could do anything to prevent another still birth.  I am so happy to say that this new baby looked great to them.  Nothing caused them any concern.  I am also happy to announce that the new addition to our family will be a BOY!  As big of relief finding out the baby is healthy is, I am more fearful now than before I had my appointment.  You see, Charlotte was perfectly healthy up until we lost her too.

As I walked into my appointment, I was a nervous wreck.  When the nurse took my blood pressure, she asked if I was nervous (understatment of the day).  I told her yes and asked her if my blood pressure was high.  She told me the numbers and it was extremely high for me.  All the while we were in that office, I couldn't stop shaking.  As the sonographer did my sonogram, I don't think I breathed much.

The doctor came in after the sonogram to give us the results.  He was very kind and gentle.  He asked us about what we had come to learn about Charlotte's death.  He had already read the reports, so he knew.  I think he just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.  He continued to talk about the reasons we may have lost Charlotte.  To the best of our knowledge, an infection entered into the uterus, thus making Charlotte sick rapidly and ultimately killing her.  I showed no sign of infection.  When all the pathology tests were done after I delivered her, three types of bacteria showed up.  The doctors still act like her loss is a bit inconclusive, but they do believe the infection had a part to play.  To try to assure that this doesn't happen again, I will be tested for infection at around 34 weeks and I will then be monitored very closely with appointments with my doctor at least twice a week until I deliver.  After my testing is done and we know approximately how big the baby is at that point, we will discuss if early induction is an option.

Wow, this has turned into a medical blog :) After we discussed this, the doctor asked me how I felt about this pregnancy...if I was afraid.  That is when I lost it.  I told him that yes I was scared, but that I firmly believe God has a plan and a purpose for this baby's life just like He had for Charlotte's life.   I told him no matter how I felt, I trusted God and that I know God is faithful.  I pretty much choked it out.

As we walked out of that office last week, I was thankful for the pictures of our healthy son and excited to know him more, but also leaving that day, this new pregnancy and walk of faith became more real than it had been before.  Now we knew it was a boy and we could stop calling him "it" or the "baby."  I came to the realization that day that this entire pregnancy is going to require so much more faith than I have ever had to have.  I realized each and every day and sometime each and every moment, I will have to cling to the promises of who God says He is and what He does is good.  I realized last week that the next four months aren't going to be easy, in fact they are going to be rather hard.  This week as I am digging deep in the Word, I am reminded that God goes before me, He is with me and He is working in my waiting.  So, in this time of difficult time of waiting, I cling to my Savior, who is ever present, who is working all things for my good, and who has a plan in all of this too great for me to comprehend.

I Never Saw Her Eyes

  

I have a wall in the basement that has close ups of all of the kids.  Steve gave me three of them for Mother's Day back when the three boys were quite little.  With each addition to our family, I buy another frame (I'm still amazed that Hobby Lobby still carries the same one after all these years) and add a close-up of the new baby to the others.  

After we lost Charlotte, I wanted to add her picture along with the rest and I finally got around to asking my friend, Jacque, to order me one.  Charlotte's picture came in last week.  I had mixed emotions.  I was excited to add it to the rest since she is a part of our family, but it also hurt to see her.  

As I got around to hanging the picture, I cleaned the frame and placed her photo inside.  I took it to the basement and arranged all the photos to fit Charlotte's on an empty nail.  After I placed it on the wall, I stood back to look at them.  It broke me.  It hit me as I looked at all the pictures of the other seven smiling kids, that I would never see Charlotte smile.  Her eyes were shut tight, while the other children's eyes sparkled with joy.  As I looked at their eyes, I realized I never even saw Charlotte's eyes and that I never would.  I broke down crying.  

This whole mourning thing comes and goes.  It is the strangest thing.  I am realizing more and more that I will have a lifetime of mourning the loss of what could have been and what we are missing by not having with Charlotte here with us.  I suppose that is why some call mourning a dance.  

Blessings in the Movements

So, yesterday I hit the 20 week mark in this new pregnancy.  It is amazing how quickly the time is going.  Half way there, wow!  I am beginning to feel the baby move more and more.  Today while I was driving, I felt a little nudge.  This nudge took me back to when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  From the first time I felt Charlotte move inside me, I was amazed.  Having so many children has taught me to not take the little things for granted.  I've seen many seasons of pregnancy, babyhood and childhood come and go so very quickly; some quite challenging and some simply delightful.  I've tried to embrace each season with comfort in the knowledge that it will soon pass and not wanting to miss anything in the moment.  I know that many of those moments, as rough as they were, I would never get back again.

I never grew tired of feeling Charlotte move inside of me.  Feeling her stretch, poke and move always brought me amazement.  Even though I have had many pregnancies, I was in awe each and every time I felt my daughter.  I always felt humbled and honored that God would chose to bless us with another life.

Feeling this new baby's life also reminds me of the day I no longer felt Charlotte's life in me.  This brings fear and a whole load of other emotions.  Even though my heart still aches with missing Charlotte, I am so grateful for the nine months I had with her.  I am thankful for the bond we created each and every time I felt her move. That is how I knew her.

This new pregnancy reminds me to not take any of this pregnancy stuff, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable, for granted.  I know well that it may last all too short.  Once again I am humbled and amazed that my God would love me enough to bless me with another life.  I look forward to knowing this little one through his/her kicks and movements just as I knew his/her sister.  Even though this pregnancy requires more faith than any of my other pregnancies, I know God is good and He has a plan for this little one's life, the same way He has a plan for Charlotte's life.  I can trust Him!