Never Forget

October is Infant Loss Awareness/Remembrance month.  As I have pondered the "remembrance" part, it has bothered me, because losing a child is something you never really forget.  You don't have to try to remember it.  It is something you have on your heart and mind regularly.  As I was thinking about it recently, it struck me that the "remembrance" part of infant loss is remembering we are not alone in our losses.  As October has progressed, I have noticed many, many posts on Facebook regarding stories of those who have lost a baby.  I know for a fact, as I have experienced it myself, when you lose a baby you feel alone.  You feel as though the floor has fallen out from under you.  You feel as though you are the only one things like this happen to.  That is a lie.  You are not alone.  It actually happens more often that we could even imagine.  Through Facebook this month, I have seen several of my friends share that they are one in four women who have suffered infant loss through either miscarriage, still birth or infant loss.  It reminded me that I am one of four women who has suffered through infant loss through the still birth of my daughter, Charlotte.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around the 1/4 women thing.  Wow!!! That's a lot.  It means it happens quite frequently actually.

I truly believe one of the biggest lies that Satan tells us in relation to any struggle we are facing is that we are all alone and are the only one going through this particular situation or struggle.  But, as you can see from the numbers above, if you have lost a baby to miscarriage, still birth or infant loss, you are far from alone.  It is very likely the woman sitting two seats down from you has suffered through it as well.

As I see stories about someone losing a baby, my initial instinct is to scroll past and ignore it, but strangely I am drawn to their stories.  I think I am drawn because I can relate.  Although my story may not be the same as other stories of infant loss, I do know that gut wrenching, horrid feeling that begins to overtake you the minute you find out you've lost your precious baby.  I know what it feels like to have life inside my body one minute and the next minute to feel her lifeless body inside me.  I know the feeling that you have when you realize you have to go through the painful and trying experience of labor and delivery only to not receive the prize at the end.  I know what it feels like to plan a funeral service for your baby when you would rather be planning her first birthday party.  I know the feeling of arms longing to hold your dear baby so closely, but your arms are empty.  I know the feeling of milk coming in and no baby to nourish with it.  So friends, please, don't believe the lie that you are alone in your loss.  Many, many have been there and understand.  So, for me the "remembrance" part of infant loss is remembering I am not alone and neither are you.

My daughter would have turned three this coming February.  Although, my heart doesn't hurt as much as it used to.  I still go through times when my heart aches for her.  Just the other day, I was driving by a cemetery on the way to church (for the record we probably drive by the same cemetery at least 6-8 times a week), but on this day, my heart got caught up in my throat and tears stung in my eyes.  I thought to myself; parents aren't supposed to bury their children or much less their babies.  The pain is real.  Even as I sit here almost three years later and write, tears still stream down my face.  It still hurts.   I still long to have her here with the rest of her brothers and sisters as part of our family.  

As I've been trying to decide what I want to say in regard to infant loss, I want to remind you that although, the pain of losing a baby never goes away, there is hope after infant loss and that hope is found in Jesus Christ.  I knew the very minute we knew we had lost our daughter, that in and of myself, I had nothing to help me through this heartbreaking loss.  I had nowhere else to turn, but to God.  God never desired us to live our lives on our own and only have ourselves to rely on for strength and comfort.  He created us to depend on him.  He desires us to come to him and to rely on his strength and comfort.   

Friend, as I close, I want to remind you that you are not alone in your loss.  Many, many others have walked through the devastating loss of their precious baby.  You are not alone because your Creator, your baby's Creator, is right there waiting for you to turn to him, longing for you to turn to him.  He desires to give you hope when your situation seems hopeless.  He desires to give you a hope and a future as you come to him.  When you seek him with all of your heart, he will be found (Jeremiah 29:11-13).  What a beautiful promise.

I would like to leave you with this promise from Isaiah 61:1-3.

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
to grant those who mourn in Zion -
to the them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.  

The Goodness of the Lord

I'm finding myself really disliking and dreading the month of February.  As I look towards February 2015,  it is filled with celebration and sorrow for us...for me.  Three of our daughters were born in February and one of them also died in February (on one of the other girl's birthday none the less).  So really the question is how do you manage both celebrating and mourning?  And is it even possible?

I'm recognizing that much of my dread is from wondering how I will respond leading up to the day when we lost our daughter.  It's a fear of "how much will this day wreck me?"  The thing is, most days I can easily tuck the hurt way down deep and cover my feelings and pain just by doing life.  I easily get wrapped up in the day to day and don't think or dwell on the hurt deep within my soul and heart.  Then February comes around and I can't hide it anymore.  I can't pretend I didn't lose my daughter.  I can't pretend these past two years haven't been the hardest two years of my life and in my marriage.  Everything comes bubbling up to the surface and pours from me.  It hurts.

Losing my daughter, Charlotte, has changed me in many ways.  It has changed me in many good ways and for that I am thankful.  My eyes have been opened to and I have been able to sympathize more with the hurting, with those dealing with loss and difficult trials.  My trust in God has also grown as I have seen His goodness, known His presence and seen His faithfulness in my life these past two years.  I've come to know and love my Savior even more.

I also feel like losing Charlotte has changed me in a different way.  It is really hard for me to put into words.  I feel as though I don't really know myself anymore.  Losing her changed who I am.  I'm still trying to get to know and understand the new me.  The person this most effects is my husband.  As I'm trying to get me figured out and as situations or disagreements come up in our marriage, it is easier for me to pass the blame to him than it is to take responsibility for my part. I tend to forget grace in my marriage.

Is it even possible that losing our daughter changed my husband too?  Have I ever considered that?   I know that he still hurts from losing her and it pains him greatly to see me hurting.  We are two very different and unique people trying to walk this road after a huge trauma.  We are both healing and recovering from our loss in very different ways.  We are still learning how to walk this road together with grace.  Just the other morning he told me, "we are in this together."  When I think or feel like I am doing this alone, I am grateful for his comment and support, reminding me that I am not alone; reminding me that he loves me and desires to walk through the pain and healing with me.

Psalm 27:13 was on our Christmas card this year.  This is also the verse we used as we dedicated Elijah to the Lord last year.  It says...

"I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living."

Although we can't fully understand the Lord's plan for us in losing Charlotte, we have seen this verse true in our family this past year, even though we continue to mourn our loss.  We celebrated the arrival of Elijah and have thoroughly enjoyed our first year with him as a part of our family.  We continue to be in awe watching each of our children grown and mature and seeing their hearts turned towards the Lord.  We are humbled to used by the Lord in ministry in our local church.

Psalm 27:13 is also a promise that I cling to.  I don't believe that the verse only pertains to the past year,  but I believe it is true for our future as well.  "I believe I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord..."  Good is who God is.  His very character is good.  His goodness doesn't change because my circumstances change.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purposes." Romans 8:28

Even though I can't comprehend or understand why we would lose our daughter.  I trust in the fact that the Lord had a plan/ has a plan in it and that he is working in it for my good.  This means that throughout these past two years of sorrow, pain and challenge, he is working.  It doesn't mean that it will always be easy, but it does mean that he will be with us and that he will help us.

"It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed."  Deuteronomy 31:8

Now this is a promise I can cling to.

Living in Freedom

A few weeks ago, a situation came up with a couple of my kids where I had a child being a tattle tale on another child.  As I heard the accusing child try to convict the other child to get them in trouble, I kept hearing the one being accused continue to plea his innocence.  I don't always go after a child being tattled on, but this time, something struck me that I needed to deal with this one.

The whole situation revolved around my 6 year old little boy and the fact that he wouldn't let another kid his age sit with him on the bus.  I took him into the other room so we could be alone and so we could talk about what had happened.  I could tell that he was upset by what was going on.  I sat him down and began asking questions, trying to get his side of the story and what really happened.  He just sat there for the longest time visibly shaken and with tears about to fall from his eyes.  I continued to ask him questions as to why he was so upset.  "Are you upset because your sister told on you?" Followed by a shake of the head, no.  "Why are you upset?"  Silence.  "Are you upset because you think you are in trouble?"  Again, head shake, no.  This continued for quite a few minutes.  Finally, I asked him if he was sad because he wasn't kind to his friend on the bus.  The tears began to flow and he shook his head, yes.  This child is our sensitive, tender-hearted child, and it breaks his heart when he is wronged against and also when he hurts or wrongs someone else.

His sin broke his heart and physically shook him.  I'm sure the guilt had been eating through him as I questioned him a hundred times.  My heart was breaking for my little tender-hearted boy.  We continued discussing what he did and how he was unkind and then I talked to him about how everyone sins and is unkind sometimes.  I explained to him that Jesus died for all the bad things we do and that if we confess our sins to him, he forgives us and makes us clean again.  He makes us whiter than snow.  We took some time praying together and I led him in asking forgiveness for his sin.  When we finished, I could sense that his burden was lifted, that he was freed from the bondage of his sin.  He was smiling and laughing.  He was free.

As I reflect on that situation with my son, I was struck with conviction in my own life.  How often do I let my sin bog me down?  How often do I live in the guilt or condemnation of my own sin?  Or, how often do I pretend that I am good enough and I don't have sin in my life?  If I just ignore it, it will go away, right?  Wrong!

I am involved in a women's Bible study in our church right now and we are going through the book of 1 John.  I believe it is really hard to read the book of 1 John and not be convicted by our sin.   I really don't think it was an accident that this situation came up.  It very possibly could have been that God wanted to use this situation more for me than for him.

If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.  If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.  1 John 1:8-10

The truth is we all sin (Romans 3:23).  We all fail, make mistakes and fall so short of God's glory. The good news is that God loves us so much that he sent his son to pay the price, a price we rightly deserve, for our sins.  The good news is that,  "if we confess our sins he is faithful to forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).  This is something we could never do on our own.  We can never be good enough or try hard enough to rid ourselves of our sins, but Jesus is and Jesus DID!

The question is am I quick see conviction of my sin in my life and am I quick to confess and repent of it?

If we walk around trying to ignore our sin or living in guilt and condemnation of our sin, we are not walking in the freedom God designed us to live in.  This is why Jesus died and rose again.  He died for us because he loved us and has a better plan for our lives.  His plan is FREEDOM!

You Are Beautiful

Today my daughter, son and I went for a walk to enjoy this gorgeous day.  As my daughter was riding her bike, she quickly stopped and I wondered what she was doing.  She then got off her bike and ran over and pick a perfectly, bright yellow dandelion.  As we continued on, she kept admiring her dandelion.  Then she asked me about sunflowers and if they had black in the middle.  I think she was trying to figure out if the flower she picked was a sunflower.  I told her sunflowers do have black middle, but what she was holding was a dandelion.  I then casually mentioned that it was actually a weed.  All at once she  looked up at me with wide, questioning eyes as if to say, "Are you kidding me?  This beautiful yellow thing in my hand is most certainly a flower and not a weed.  Just look at it, mom!"

We continued talking about how pretty it was.  I actually changed my mind as well and saw the weed through her little eyes.  It was most certainly a flower.

This whole time my mind was turning.

I wondered about how many times I get so caught up in viewing myself as a weed;  my flaws, my mess, a failure as a parent, in my marriage, in my relationship with the Lord and others.  Do we all, sometimes, think that the way we view ourselves is how God views us?  Do we fall into the lie that we are a failure to him?  Do we wonder if he thinks, "man, that girl is a mess. I really wish she would get her act together."?  Do we believe he sees us as a weed?

Well, through my daughters eyes today, I was reminded that is not the truth.  She saw the beauty, just as God sees the beauty in us.  He created us.  He sent His Son to die for us.  He sees us pure and righteous because of the death and resurrection of his Son.

This reminds me of Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."

He rejoices over you, dear sister.  He sings over you.  Don't forget you are his flower.  You are not a weed.  So take those feelings of inadequacy and failure and lay them aside.  Fix your eyes on the truth. You are loved and adored by the Most High God!  

You are BEAUTIFUL!

Steps Toward Healing

It seems so many around me lately are dealing with loss...death of someone close to them.  I've been thinking recently about losing Charlotte and what has helped me in my journey towards healing.  I would also like to note that I am not there yet.   I am still learning to grieve and mourn, and I am still healing from such a huge loss.  After getting all of my thoughts down, I have realized these steps could be useful for any trial.

1.  Write - I would write especially in those very early days after losing Charlotte.  It seems as though each morning I would wake up sad, lonely and weary.  I would cry, Steve would hold me and pray. Then I would pull myself out of bed and into the chair in my bedroom.  There I would sit for the next hour or so and write in my journal.  Writing helped me to process all that was going on in our world and in my mind.  It helped me to process my feelings, my longings, my pain.  I would write in different ways.  I wrote letters to Charlotte.  I wrote out my fears, my hurt.  I would write out scripture that encouraged me.  I would write out prayers.  Some of my early journaling later became some of my blog, but not all of it.

2.  Worship - Sometimes I felt as if I couldn't pray and I didn't know what to pray for myself.  I would instead listen to worship music.  Music really ministered to my heart.  I remember being amazed at how many songs met me right where I was at and how others (those who wrote the songs) had, too, been where I was at dealing with hurts and trials.  As I played worship music, I would sing, pray and cry, sometimes sob.  Worshipping God takes my eyes off of myself and my pain and it put my eyes on my God who is  sovereign and so worthy of anything I can give to him and more.  Through worship I am reminded who I am, who God is and that this life is so temporal.  God is not just about the here and now on this earth.  He is about eternity.  Worship makes me yearn for heaven where there will be no more death, no more tears, no more sadness, no more pain and where I will once again meet my daughter face to face.

3.  Immerse myself in the promises of God -  I have to admit that sometimes in the early days, it was hard for me to go to the Word of God.  I am so thankful for the friends who would text me scripture and send me notes with promises of who God is.  As I memorized some of those promises, I clung to the truth in God's word and that in turn increased my faith as I felt God's presence in my life so fully.

4.  Let others serve me -  This one was difficult.  I am fairly independent, and hate to be a bother to someone.  But, as soon as we found out we lost Charlotte, the requests to "help in anyway" came pouring in.  The truth is most people cared for us and just wanted to do something.  In being with friends going through trials and being on the flip side, I totally understand the feeling of helplessness and wanting to lessen your friend's pain, to do anything to help.  Although, most of the time we didn't know what we really needed.  One of the best things we did was to say yes when someone offered to help in a specific way.  Yes, to when someone offered to bring us a meal.  Yes, when a friend offered to do our laundry.  This dear friend did our laundry, a less desirable task in my opinion, for six weeks, six weeks!  Let me tell you, though, not having to worry about keeping the kids in clean clothes during those early weeks was such a blessing.

We also realized that we needed to ask for help when we knew a specific need.  The day we found out we lost Charlotte at the doctors, we left Steve's car at the doctors office so neither of us had to drive home alone.  All that afternoon we were trying to figure out how we would get Steve's car back home.  Later that evening, friends came over after they heard of our loss.  Steve mentioned his car and our friend offered to go with Steve's dad to get it.  Such a blessing.  A couple days later as we were making arrangements for Charlotte's funeral, I was going through the kids clothes to make sure they all had something to wear for the funeral.  I realized the boys shirts needed to be ironed.  In the first place, I really don't like ironing and it stressed me out to think I would have to fit that in somewhere into my already cramped schedule.  I threw a note out on Facebook and within a couple minutes I had a couple offers.  Such a relief!  As it turns our, the friend that did our ironing doesn't even iron herself, much like me, but she just wanted to help serve us in any way.

As I've stated in other posts, we were so blessed by the servanthood of our friends and church.  I am so thankful I didn't let my own pride stop me from saying yes to their offers to help.  Their help freed me to take the time to mourn and to be there for my kids and family.

5.  Exercise - Around five weeks after losing Charlotte, I began running again.  Since it was still cold out and I'm a fair weather runner ;) I began running on the treadmill.  Before losing Charlotte when I ran I would listen to podcasts and sermons as I ran.  After, though, I made a worship playlist of songs that touched my heart.  When I ran, I turned on my music and off I went.  Not only did running help me feel I was doing something good for me and my body, but it became great times of worship for me as well.  When I exert myself in exercise and as I come to the end of myself physically,  I am able to more clearly see who God is and my deep dependence on Him.  Just a tip though, raising hands or closing eyes in worship while running on a treadmill is not a good idea, although, I never actually fell, I almost did a few times :)

Around the time I started running again, my sister and I decided to train for and do our first mini triathlon.  Setting this goal before me gave me something to work for, something that not only did my body good, but would give me a sense of accomplishment once I did it.

These are just some of the things that have helped me on the long road of mourning and healing.  I am almost certain I have forgotten some things too.  I do know that each person is different and what works for one may not work for another.  I am curious though, and others may be as well, if you have experienced loss in any way, what helped you?  Please feel free to leave a comment below and share with everyone.

One Year of Loss

A few weeks back marked a year since our Charlotte went to be with the Lord.  Steve and I were just talking the other day about how sometimes it seems like it was only last week and other times it feels like it never happened.  I wish I had something profound to say about living with grief, about some huge things I learned over the past year.  I don't.  I think grief is one of those things that we won't ever be able to fully put our heads around and explain in a pattern.  Grief is unpredictable.  One minute you are fine and the next it hits you like you just got run over by a semi and you don't know which way is up.

The week leading up to her death anniversary was really rough.  It seemed we had challenges all around.  In my mind, I knew Saturday, February 8 was coming quickly.  I was worried about how I would respond with the one year anniversary of our loss.  That made me super sensitive (like I wasn't  already sensitive after having a baby 6 weeks earlier :) and on edge.  To make matters a bit more difficult, February 8 is also Leah's birthday.  I was worried about making her day special, especially since her birthday last year was so dark.  I, also, was worried about how I could manage celebration along with grief and mourning.

When I woke up that morning, I was like, here we go.  I took time that morning to sit down and write for a bit.  I am so thankful for being able to write.   Writing has proved to be healing in so many ways this past year (but that is a whole other post).

As I showered that morning, it all hit me and I broke down.  I felt loss, anger, guilt.  So many emotions at one time.  I wanted to mourn, but I also wanted to make the day special for Leah and I felt I didn't know how to do both.  I can now look back and see that the Lord met me in those moments and He gave me strength to face the day.  Once again, I am blown away by his grace, something I so don't deserve and something I could never do on my own.

Steve and I had already made plans to visit the cemetery with the kids and take pink roses.  The kids haven't been there since her funeral last year and Steve and I have only been once.  We finally had her headstone installed in October and we hadn't even seen it yet.  It was snowing and it was so beautiful out.  We were thankful for the cemetery we chose.  It is in the country, backed up to the woods and oh, so beautiful.   We had to tromp through the snow to get to her grave.  All I can say is that it was beautiful.  I had no tears (I got those out earlier).  It was just a special time with the kids.

Then we got on with the rest of our day.  Leah was so gracious.  I truly believe she enjoyed her special day to the fullest.

I am so thankful for God's graciousness that day.

Baby Elijah

I know I haven't written as much in the last few months.  The end of December proved to be a bit more stressful, with the end of my pregnancy.  In that time, we joyously welcomed little Elijah to our family.  A joy he is.  

Elijah William 

December 30, 2013 

6 pounds 7 ounces

18 inches long

At my 36 week appointment, my doctor said the baby looked good and recommend we go ahead and schedule induction for the next week (37 weeks), since we lost Charlotte in the 37th week of pregnancy.  We wanted to get Elijah out while we knew everything was okay with him.  

Once we arrived at the hospital, it took a while, actually quite a while in my opinion, for my body to get into labor.  We spent most of that day in the hospital chilling and waiting anxiously to meet our son.  Eventually around six or seven that evening things started to progress.  I did get an epidural (my 9th, ugh!), but I have to say this was my worst one ever.  I couldn't feel my left leg at all, but could feel everything else.  I started feeling quite a bit of pain and I told Steve that he should call my doctor who was at home.  He didn't and we just told my nurse.  She eventually came in the with resident doctor and examined me about an hour later.  As she checked me, I could tell she was thinking.  I was thinking, "shoot, nothing has changed and yet I'm in all this pain."  Then she calmly said, "she's a 9, if not complete."  I was like, "What?"  I told them to call my doctor because I usually only have to push 2-3 times until the baby comes out.  I was afraid he wouldn't make it on time.  He made it, thankfully, and Elijah was born a couple minutes later.  

We are so thankful for God and his graciousness and goodness towards us.  He has once again blessed us beyond all measure.  

 

My Pregnancy/Baby Statistics

*A post I wrote a few months ago but didn't publish.

It is hard to believe we are coming quickly to the end of this pregnancy and Lord willing meeting our new little man.  This week marks 33 weeks.  This has to be my fastest pregnancy yet.  I am at the my body is achy, uncomfortable and tired stage.  As I told a friend this morning at church, this was so much easier when I was 23 (the age I was with my first child).

This made me think of writing down some statistics mainly out of my own curiosity.

So in the past 14 years ...

*I have been pregnant for 81 months which equals 6.75 years.  That is almost 7 years people...pregnant for 7 years.  Holy cow!  Steve and I have been married for 15 years this past August (good thing he likes it when I am pregnant.)

*I have been nursing one of our babies for a total of around 7 years as well.  So in other words, I have been either been pregnant or nursing the last 14 years.

*Conservatively, we have changed around 25,000 diapers.  I don't even want to calculate how much money that has cost us (but Steve did and says it's around $8,000).  We should have started using cloth diapers with our first baby.

*We've celebrated 58 birthdays with our kids.  All of our birthdays range between December and August.  We celebrate three birthdays in one month, two birthdays in one month, and a single birthday in three separate months.

*I've given birth in two countries, but also only two cities and in only two hospitals.

*The same doctor has delivered seven of our children and a midwife delivered one.

*I have completed one sprint triathlon...while pregnant.

*We have always struggled picking boys names, and joke that this baby boy will be named "Steve Jr."

Little Faith...Big God

As I said just yesterday, why does God always put me in a place of waiting?  In the next breath I answered it...because without waiting on Him for something we would have no reason to trust Him.  Isn't that where He wants us...to have complete dependence and faith in Him?

It's hard though.  Isn't it?

One would think that after the rough year we've had I would have perfected this area of my life, but I haven't.  I have grown in trusting God more, but I'm not there yet.  Each and every day something comes up and causes me to question.  Do I really trust that God loves me enough to care about this circumstance?  Do I trust He has time for me?  Do I believe He will act on my behalf because I am His child?  Do I really believe He causes all things for good for those who love Him?

When I am doing this questioning, I am taking my eyes off of Jesus and putting them on my problems, my circumstances.

This brings to mind the story of Peter in Matthew 14:28:33.

The story begins with Jesus walking on the water out to his disciples.  They were afraid when they saw him and thought He was a ghost.  Because, really how many times do we see someone walking on water?  When Peter saw Jesus, he called to Jesus and said, "Lord, if its you, command me to come to you on the water."  Jesus told him to come.  Peter then climbed out of the boat and walked on the water to Jesus.

What happens next is what happens to me over and over again.

When Peter saw the wind, he was afraid and began to sink.  I equate the wind to his circumstances, his problems, his fears, or his trials.  He let his fear overcome him.  He was focusing more on the wind, his circumstances, instead of on Jesus.  The result was that he began to sink.  But when Peter noticed he was sinking, he cried out to Jesus, "Lord, save me" and in another translation, "Lord, help me."

IMMEDIATELY!  Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him.  Jesus didn't wait until he sank completely.  Once Peter turned his focus back to Jesus and called out to him, Jesus saved him.  Jesus came to the rescue.  Then Jesus said, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"

Ugh!  That's me.  Peter knew who Jesus was because in the beginning of the story Peter called him Lord.  He had obviously experienced him in the past enough to call him Lord, but he still doubted.  The reason he doubted is because he took his eyes off of Jesus and put them on his circumstances, the wind.  This is not where the Lord desires our eyes to be.  We need to take our eyes off of our circumstances and put them on the Lord.

"Let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith..."  Hebrews 12:1&2 

Did you see that?  The perfecter of our faith.  Jesus called it.  What Peter and I both lack is faith.  The thing is we don't get faith by working harder.  We cannot attain more faith ourselves.  Jesus perfects our faith as we turn our eyes back to Him.  He is the one who grows our faith.

After Jesus saved Peter, they climbed into the boat and the wind stopped.  Next, the disciples worshiped Jesus saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

I need to make sure that my response to Jesus rescuing me is always worship.  After all, that is why He made me...to worship Him.

What circumstance is going on in your life right now that you need to take your eyes off of?  What is keeping you from turning your eyes to Jesus?

He is able!

Cry out to him.  Lord, help me!

 and He will.

Jesus, Name Above All Names

As I sit to pray and reflect this morning, my eyes are drawn to a Christmas tree we have in our living room.  On it, we have placed some of the many names of Jesus.

*Holy and Righteous One
*Rock
*Immanuel
*Prince of Peace
*Bread of Life
*Redeemer
*I Am
*Good Shepherd

As I look closer at the tree, I realize someone has placed the name Jesus at the very top of the tree, hanging from the star.  At first I chuckle, but then I am impacted by the place where one of the kids put His name.  I am amazed at their understanding.  This morning, as I gaze at the tree and praise God for how I have experienced each of the names of Jesus in my own life, the song Jesus Name Above All Names comes to mind.  Apparently, the child who placed Jesus at the very top of the tree agrees that His name deserves the very top.

All this makes me wonder if I am putting Jesus name above all else.  How easy it is to get distracted by all the Christmas commotion.  My prayer for myself and for all of you is that this Christmas season, we would each put Jesus at the very top, that we would give Him the highest place in our lives and as we do that we would experience more of who He is.

Another song comes to mind...

On the altar of my praise, let their be no higher praise
Jesus Son of God

You laid down Your perfect life
You are the sacrifice
Jesus Son of God
You are Jesus Son of God!

Making Worshipers

Recently, Steve and I took a parenting class through our church.  One of the biggest things that impacted me about the class was a point they made that as parents we are teaching our kids to be worshipers of God.  You see, everyone worships something:  themselves, people, jobs, possessions, status, etc.  My kids will worship something.  My desire and God's desire is that they worship the One True God.

The other day, as I was thinking about Charlotte and our current baby boy growing inside of me, God put a peace in my heart.  I wondered for a second why God would choose to create Charlotte only to take her immediately to be with Him.  Then it hit me.  God created us to worship Him!  It doesn't matter to Him if we've lived an actual life on this earth or if we bypassed earth and head straight to worship Him in Heaven as Charlotte did.

When I think of this little boy growing inside of me, I have such a great peace.  God has been so gracious with me in giving me such a calm, peacefulness throughout this pregnancy.  It is simply amazing.  I trust and know God has created this new being with a specific plan...to worship Him!  This little boy will either learn and practice worshiping God here on this earth as part of our family, or he will be placed directly in front of the Lord's throne worshiping God in Heaven.  Although I desire nothing more than to have him here with us on this earth, I know that one day I will worship our mighty God for eternity with him in Heaven, as I will one day do with Charlotte.  

I really need to watch my perspective to make sure I am not focusing on the temporal, the here and now, and make sure I am keeping my eyes on my King and the eternal.  And in the mean time, I have a huge responsibility, teaching my other children how to be God worshipers.

Waiting in Faith

Last week I had an appointment with a Perinatologist to have a detailed sonogram on the baby and get his opinion if we could do anything to prevent another still birth.  I am so happy to say that this new baby looked great to them.  Nothing caused them any concern.  I am also happy to announce that the new addition to our family will be a BOY!  As big of relief finding out the baby is healthy is, I am more fearful now than before I had my appointment.  You see, Charlotte was perfectly healthy up until we lost her too.

As I walked into my appointment, I was a nervous wreck.  When the nurse took my blood pressure, she asked if I was nervous (understatment of the day).  I told her yes and asked her if my blood pressure was high.  She told me the numbers and it was extremely high for me.  All the while we were in that office, I couldn't stop shaking.  As the sonographer did my sonogram, I don't think I breathed much.

The doctor came in after the sonogram to give us the results.  He was very kind and gentle.  He asked us about what we had come to learn about Charlotte's death.  He had already read the reports, so he knew.  I think he just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.  He continued to talk about the reasons we may have lost Charlotte.  To the best of our knowledge, an infection entered into the uterus, thus making Charlotte sick rapidly and ultimately killing her.  I showed no sign of infection.  When all the pathology tests were done after I delivered her, three types of bacteria showed up.  The doctors still act like her loss is a bit inconclusive, but they do believe the infection had a part to play.  To try to assure that this doesn't happen again, I will be tested for infection at around 34 weeks and I will then be monitored very closely with appointments with my doctor at least twice a week until I deliver.  After my testing is done and we know approximately how big the baby is at that point, we will discuss if early induction is an option.

Wow, this has turned into a medical blog :) After we discussed this, the doctor asked me how I felt about this pregnancy...if I was afraid.  That is when I lost it.  I told him that yes I was scared, but that I firmly believe God has a plan and a purpose for this baby's life just like He had for Charlotte's life.   I told him no matter how I felt, I trusted God and that I know God is faithful.  I pretty much choked it out.

As we walked out of that office last week, I was thankful for the pictures of our healthy son and excited to know him more, but also leaving that day, this new pregnancy and walk of faith became more real than it had been before.  Now we knew it was a boy and we could stop calling him "it" or the "baby."  I came to the realization that day that this entire pregnancy is going to require so much more faith than I have ever had to have.  I realized each and every day and sometime each and every moment, I will have to cling to the promises of who God says He is and what He does is good.  I realized last week that the next four months aren't going to be easy, in fact they are going to be rather hard.  This week as I am digging deep in the Word, I am reminded that God goes before me, He is with me and He is working in my waiting.  So, in this time of difficult time of waiting, I cling to my Savior, who is ever present, who is working all things for my good, and who has a plan in all of this too great for me to comprehend.

I Never Saw Her Eyes

  

I have a wall in the basement that has close ups of all of the kids.  Steve gave me three of them for Mother's Day back when the three boys were quite little.  With each addition to our family, I buy another frame (I'm still amazed that Hobby Lobby still carries the same one after all these years) and add a close-up of the new baby to the others.  

After we lost Charlotte, I wanted to add her picture along with the rest and I finally got around to asking my friend, Jacque, to order me one.  Charlotte's picture came in last week.  I had mixed emotions.  I was excited to add it to the rest since she is a part of our family, but it also hurt to see her.  

As I got around to hanging the picture, I cleaned the frame and placed her photo inside.  I took it to the basement and arranged all the photos to fit Charlotte's on an empty nail.  After I placed it on the wall, I stood back to look at them.  It broke me.  It hit me as I looked at all the pictures of the other seven smiling kids, that I would never see Charlotte smile.  Her eyes were shut tight, while the other children's eyes sparkled with joy.  As I looked at their eyes, I realized I never even saw Charlotte's eyes and that I never would.  I broke down crying.  

This whole mourning thing comes and goes.  It is the strangest thing.  I am realizing more and more that I will have a lifetime of mourning the loss of what could have been and what we are missing by not having with Charlotte here with us.  I suppose that is why some call mourning a dance.  

Blessings in the Movements

So, yesterday I hit the 20 week mark in this new pregnancy.  It is amazing how quickly the time is going.  Half way there, wow!  I am beginning to feel the baby move more and more.  Today while I was driving, I felt a little nudge.  This nudge took me back to when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  From the first time I felt Charlotte move inside me, I was amazed.  Having so many children has taught me to not take the little things for granted.  I've seen many seasons of pregnancy, babyhood and childhood come and go so very quickly; some quite challenging and some simply delightful.  I've tried to embrace each season with comfort in the knowledge that it will soon pass and not wanting to miss anything in the moment.  I know that many of those moments, as rough as they were, I would never get back again.

I never grew tired of feeling Charlotte move inside of me.  Feeling her stretch, poke and move always brought me amazement.  Even though I have had many pregnancies, I was in awe each and every time I felt my daughter.  I always felt humbled and honored that God would chose to bless us with another life.

Feeling this new baby's life also reminds me of the day I no longer felt Charlotte's life in me.  This brings fear and a whole load of other emotions.  Even though my heart still aches with missing Charlotte, I am so grateful for the nine months I had with her.  I am thankful for the bond we created each and every time I felt her move. That is how I knew her.

This new pregnancy reminds me to not take any of this pregnancy stuff, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable, for granted.  I know well that it may last all too short.  Once again I am humbled and amazed that my God would love me enough to bless me with another life.  I look forward to knowing this little one through his/her kicks and movements just as I knew his/her sister.  Even though this pregnancy requires more faith than any of my other pregnancies, I know God is good and He has a plan for this little one's life, the same way He has a plan for Charlotte's life.  I can trust Him!

Charlotte's Story

Our daughter, Charlotte Faith was stillborn at one day shy of 38 weeks in utero.  This is her story...

It was February 7, 2013 and we waited in the waiting room of my doctors with a bit of fear.  We nervously chatted.  We never could have imagined how much our life would change in the next few minutes.  That morning I sat down purposefully to feel Charlotte move in my stomach.  Zoe stood next to me and we both had our hands on my tummy.  We chatted about her baby sister and how Zoe could help mommy with her sister.  We talked about how much we loved her and how Zoe could hold her.  Zoe talked to Charlotte.  She said, "I love you baby Charlotte."  I was certain, or so I thought, that we both felt her move.  We both smiled, satisfied.  We may not have really felt her.  I guess we will never know.

It gives me a huge pit in my stomach to write about what happened next.  When the nurse called me back to a room, I told her I had been feeling less movement of the baby.  She said the doctor would probably put me on the monitor, which I also assumed would happen.  I really thought it would all be okay.  The doctor came in and I told him about lack of big movements.  He came over with his doppler to find her heartbeat.  Every other time, its been there the second they put the doppler on my stomach.  This time it was silent.  UGH!  He poked and searched, and searched, and searched.  The expression on his face kept falling.  I think we all knew.  He said we would go across the hallway for a sonogram, but that he wanted us to be prepared because it didn't look good.  I went to the bathroom quickly and prayed, "Help me, God!"  It was a desperate plea.

Trista did my sonogram and as soon as she put it on my stomach, I saw a straight line along the bottom of the picture where the heartbeat should be and there was more silence.  We knew our baby was gone.  She was inside of me with no life in her.  Trista and the doctor continued with the sonogram looking for some sort of explanation as to what could have happened to our sweet Charlotte.  They could find absolutely nothing wrong.  So, why?  It filled our heads.  How does something like this happen?  What went wrong?  We sat there thinking we were just ordinary people and things like this don't happen to people like us.  They told us we may never know why.   What we do know is that this didn't surprise God.  Even before He formed Charlotte inside of me, He knew every day He had planned for her before any came to be.  He who began a good work in Charlotte will be faithful to complete it.  We believed this that day and we still believe it today.

After a few minutes Trista left, leaving us alone weeping with my doctor.  He was just as surprised and hurt as we were.  He stood shaking his head.  I don't really remember what he said.  I think he prayed with us.  Steve later told me my doctor was praying for us through the sonogram.  I didn't remember that.  Then he too left us.  Steve and I sobbed and held each other.  I was shaking.  I ran to the bathroom and threw up.  This was all real, although it didn't seem real at all.  We sat in that room and cried for what seemed like forever.  Trista came back in the room and gave me a hug saying how sorry she was.  It began with Trista and for the next days and months friends and family would look at us with a longing to help ease some of our hurt and knowing they couldn't.

I didn't want to leave the office because it meant this was real and that I had to move on and I didn't want to move on.  I didn't want to take the next steps I knew we would have to take in the next few days.  I was scared.  How could I do this...all I would have to do in the next hours, days, and weeks.  How could I move on from this office?

The car ride home was the longest, quietest drive ever as we tried to process all we had just learned.  I think we both couldn't really believe what we now had to face.  In a matter of a few hours, our life as we knew it changed forever.  Now we faced telling our children, parents, siblings, friends and church of our great loss.  We faced labor and delivery only to deliver our lifeless daughter.  We faced planning a funeral for our daughter.  We faced still being parents and moving on, with empty arms where our daughter should be, when we felt life should just stop.

When we arrived home, the house was silent.  My mom had Nate and Zoe at her house.  One thing I didn't mention about the day is that it was a gray, gloomy, rainy day.  It wouldn't be sunny again until the day before Charlotte's funeral.  A prayer that God answered "yes" to.  Steve and I sat and cried.  After a few minutes of being home, my mom came with Nate and Zoe to put Zoe down for her nap.  As she walked in, she could tell by the look on my face something was wrong.  I cried as I told her, barely able to get the words out.  She sat down with me and cried.  I think Steve called his dad and told him.  He didn't want to call his mom while she was at work.  Then we sat down and waited for the kids to get home from school.  Time that day moved so slowly.  It almost stood still.  After the kids got home, they wondered why dad was home.  We had them all sit with us and we told them Charlotte had died.  We held each other and cried and cried.  We texted our closest friends and small group members and called the doctors office to make arrangements for induction.  It was decided because of scheduling and so I wouldn't keep getting pushed back that I would go to the hospital for 10 p.m. that night.

We spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling with our kids, calling and texting our family and friends with what was going on.  I mostly just laid on the couch crying and resting on and off.  Andrew, our oldest, was already planning on going on a retreat with his youth group the next day for the weekend.  We talked it over with him, giving him the option of staying home or going.  He said he still wanted to go.  So, for a bit that afternoon, I tuned back to my mom reality and helped him pack for his trip.  Late in the afternoon I talked with our pastor's wife.  I remember telling her that I needed Jesus to carry me through the days ahead, because I couldn't do any of it on my own.  She prayed with me.  Little would I know that my request would be answered many times over.  My mom finished up our dinner and by that time Steve's parents and friends were here with us.  I really don't remember much of what we talked about.  I just remember that time that day went so slowly.  I do remember giving instructions to our moms on getting the kids to school, picking up Andrew the next day and getting him to church to leave for his retreat.  At some point, I gathered everything I would need for the hospital.  I choked out tears as I packed a sleeper, hat, onsie and the blanket I made for Charlotte.  These were all things I had planned to bring Charlotte home from the hospital in.  Now I would bury her in them.

That night I also talked or rather cried with my sister on the phone.  I also talked with a friend that experienced the same sort of loss twelve years earlier.  She encouraged me and helped me to understand a little of what to expect.  Putting the kids to bed that night was really rough.  We all cried.  Everything was so scary for all of us.  I even wondered if I would be here to ever put my kids to bed another night.  Our moms decided that they would both stay the night with the kids and that they would do something fun with the kids the next day, Friday.  We had already decided to keep all of them, except for Andrew,  home from school.  After the little kids were in bed, we left final instructions with our moms, they prayed with us and we left for the hospital.

It was the weirdest feeling to pull in the parking garage and walk up to labor and delivery.  We had been anticipating this moment for weeks.  This should be a happy time, instead we were filled with sorrow and fear.  So many questions and fears filled our minds.

Just like in the past with all of my labors, we walked directly up to the labor and delivery floor.  I walked up to the nurses desk and told them my name.  The doctors office had already called them and scheduled me, so they were expecting me.  They walked me over to a room toward the end of the ward, probably so I would be away from the rest of the laboring moms and to shelter me.  I don't think the floor was very busy, and I don't remember hearing even one baby cry.  I am so grateful because I think that may have pushed me over the edge.  Again, God prepared the way.  I went through the motions I was used to doing when being admitted; using the restroom, changing and climbing into bed.  Being that this was still a room in the labor and delivery ward, my room had everything in it they would need for a healthy delivery and baby.  In the corner was the baby bed with the lights and the scale over from that.  Steve and I commented on why that would be in there, since we wouldn't need it.  Another thing in the room were the monitors.  This time I wasn't strapped up to any monitors.  There was no heartbeat to be monitoring.  Although, a brief thought went through my mind to ask them for a sonogram just to see if they had missed something earlier in the day and maybe I could wake up from this dream.   Deep down I knew the truth and so I didn't ask.  A little while later my nurse came in.  Her name was Taylor and she was a Godsend.  I had prayed earlier in the day for just the right nurse to care for me.  I prayed a compassionate, kind and caring nurse.  Taylor was exactly that.  She lead us through the paper work like normal, except this time the paperwork wasn't normal.  She asked us questions about autopsies, taking photos of Charlotte, funeral homes, chaplains, etc.  In the middle of the paperwork, Taylor asked the baby's name to which we replied, "Charlotte Faith."  Taylor gasped and I remember looking at her questioningly.  She was trying to hold back tears and she then explained that Charlotte was the name of her niece that passed away.  Wow!  I knew that very second that God had answered another prayer.  He put Taylor in our room for a reason.  She finished up with us and left the room to call my doctor to find out what the next steps would be.

Just after she left, our good friends Jason and Tina walked into our room.  It was around 10:45 at night and we didn't expect them.  We were so grateful.  They held us and cried with us.  It was so sacrificial for them to come to us.  Next, I think the nurse came in to start my IV and to draw blood.  Man, did they ever have to draw blood.  She drew about 15 vials of blood.  For my normal deliveries they only draw about 3-4.  She said they do all the extras to look for reasons as to why we lost Charlotte.  At about 11:30pm one of our pastors came in to pray with us.  Again, we couldn't believe that people would love us so much to come out after normal bedtimes.  Later we would find out that many people were up praying for us all night long.  God has blessed us so much with His body!

It was around 12:30 a.m. when they gave me medicine to help soften my cervix and to help start contractions.  Steve made up a cot and we both tried to get some sleep.  I was able to rest well for about an hour and then contractions woke me up about every 4 or so minutes.  I tried to sleep for another hour only to be interrupted every 4 minutes.  At around 2:30, my nurse and the resident came back in to check my progress.  They decided now it was time to start pitocin.  I knew I wanted an epidural before they did that, so they called for the anesthetist.  As with all of my other labors, I hate the thought of and actually getting epidurals, but I do love the benefit.  I start to panic each and every time.  It is just not nice having a needle pierce into your spine.  The nurse told Steve he would have to leave the room while I got my epidural.  I began to freak out a bit.  This happened one other labor.  Steve and Jesus are my strength to get me through the process of getting epidurals.  When the anesthetist came in, Steve asked her if he could stay, explaining to her that he had been present for six other epidurals and had been fine.  She agreed and had him sit in a chair about 4 feet from me.  My nurse, Taylor, stood in front of me letting me squeeze her hands.  I just remember breathing deep and saying, "Jesus, help me, Jesus, help me" over and over again.  It took her quiet a while to get the epidural in the right spot and eventually Steve stood and took over holding my hands and encouraging me.  The anesthetist was the greatest as well.  She was so kind and compassionate toward me.  She talked with gentleness and soothing words.  She sort of mothered me.  Even after I delivered Charlotte she went and got me warm blankets.

After I had the epidural, Steve and I were both able to sleep for about an hour.  My doctor came in around five o'clock and broke my water.  He and I both knew that once he did that it wouldn't take long.  We are so blessed to be friends with my doctor and his family.  When he was in our room, I asked him if he thought his wife, Lynette would come.  He asked if I wanted her there and I said yes.  He was happy and said that she wanted to come.  He left the room to call her.  It helped me to know that she was coming.  I just didn't know what the next hours would hold and who or what I would need.  I'm guessing it took about a half an hour and then I started to feel the baby move down and feel the urge to push.  We called the nurses and the doctor back in.  Just like all my other deliveries, the room filled with people preparing for what was to happen next.

My delivery with Charlotte was easy, thankfully.  With all of my other deliveries, I have great anticipation leading up to the delivery of my babies and I just push with that anticipation.  With Charlotte's delivery, I didn't even sit up.  They weren't calling for me to push.  I just did it all in my own time.  I think I probably pushed about three times and she was out.  I sobbed.  The work was over and this was real.  Steve once again cut the cord.  The room was so silent.  The doctor and the nurses were silent.  We were silent.  The baby was silent.  The nurse asked if I wanted Charlotte up on my chest.  I wasn't prepared to see her yet.  She then said she would take her and clean her up for me.  Lynette came in around that time.  She came in and held me as I cried.  I had the hardest time looking over at Charlotte.  As the minutes went on, I gained courage and I would glance toward the bed where they were cleaning her.  She was so still and quiet.  Finally, the nurse brought her over to me.  It took the most courage I have ever had to have to reach out to hold her, but once I did I fell in love.

Charlotte was so beautiful.  Her hair was dark brown and it looked like it had swirls in it, like little curls.  Everyone asks who she looked like.  Did she look like one of her sisters or brothers?  I always struggle with that question, because to me she looked like Charlotte.  She is her own individual.  She may have had a few characteristics from a sibling, but she was unique.  She is my Charlotte.

For the next couple hours, we held her, kissed her and rocked her.  Our nurse took her to give her a bath and dressed her in the sleeper I bought for her months earlier.  It was so tiny and white with little pink heart on it and the feet looked like ballet slippers.  She also wrapped her in the blanket I had made for her.  Our dear friend Jacque (a photographer) came to take photos of Charlotte.  Jacque photographed her after the nurse bathed her.  She photographed her getting her footprints.  Jacque then came back to my room and photographed us while we held Charlotte, while we wept over her, while we smiled over her and explored her.  The night before we went into the hospital a friend called and asked if we wanted photos taken of Charlotte.  I wasn't sure I did.  So many things filled my mind.  I wondered if it was wrong to photograph the dead.  If it would be weird.  I even wondered if I would want to have pictures of Charlotte.  About 11:30pm after we were admitted in the hospital and after Steve and I discussed it, I texted Jacque to see if she would come once Charlotte was born to photograph her.  She said yes!  The biggest thing that lead to my decision to have Charlotte photographed is that I didn't want to regret anything.  I knew we would only have a few hours with her here on earth.  Now that I look back, I am extremely grateful I chose to do it.  As time goes by, my memories may fade on what Charlotte looked like, but now I have some gorgeous photos of her.  Whenever I miss Charlotte, I can pull out her photos and gaze at her beauty.

Steve held her a lot.  He just walked around the room with her talking to anyone who was with us.  It seemed normal...just like when we had our other babies.  Steve remarked later that he probably freaked people out how he just casually walked around with her in his arms.  It felt natural to him.  We cherish those hours we had with her.

Around 9 a.m. or so, we knew it was time to say good-bye.  It was growing obvious death was taking over and we knew we had to let her go before we ruined the good thoughts we had of her.  We held her and cried over her again.  I don't really remember what was said or if we even prayed.  I kissed her head, told her I loved her and we called the nurse to come get her.

That was it.  The hardest part was over.  Now we had to begin our journey of living our life without our daughter.  I was moved to a room in antepartum.  I'm sure to spare me the happiness in the mother/baby ward.  I had a tiny private room once again with a leaf and a tear drop on the door to alert people coming into the room of our sadness.  We asked the nurse to put a sign on the door for no visitors.  We ordered breakfast and ate.  Then we spent the rest of the day sleeping, crying, talking, and holding each other in bed together.  Steve met a friend out in the hall while I was sleeping.  The only other visitors we had were our pastor and his wife.  I am so thankful they came.  We prayed together and God was honored.  We decided we would go home that evening.  My doctor said it was okay.  There was no need to spend the night in the hospital and sleep in an uncomfortable bed (especially for Steve).  We just wanted to be home with our kids.  We left the hospital at around eight o'clock and grabbed some dinner to take home.  My friend Christy stopped by when we got home and we sat with her and shared our story.

I slept well.  It was great to be home again.  We spent the morning just relaxing with the kids.  Friends brought us breakfast and we just sat with them and talked and cried as the kids played.  That afternoon the director of the funeral home came and we started the arrangements for Charlotte's service.  Steve and I both felt like we were so young and so inexperienced at the whole death/funeral thing.  We joked that the director probably laughed later on at our silly, naive questions and comments.


In the days that followed our release from the hospital, I slept great.  Sleep is a way I shut out the world around me and God blessed me with incredible rest.  For about a week or so, I would wake really early weeping.  It would hit me all over again...another day to live without my baby.  Steve would just reach over in bed and pull me into his arms.  And I cried.  And I prayed.  I would eventually get up and I would write.  Writing became my release.  It brought me and still brings me healing.

Those days up until her funeral were kind of blurry.  We just went about getting arrangements made and trying to still be parents to our other seven kids.  My dad, sister, her husband and their kids from Michigan all came.  I am so grateful for their presence.  The kids were happy to see their cousins, which was a good distraction for them.  My sister and I work really well together.  She has the ability to step right in and do what needs to be done.  She even took the girls shopping for dresses for the funeral which proved to be no easy task :)

We had scheduled Charlotte's funeral for Tuesday, February 12.  On Monday my sister looked after our kids while Steve and I made final arrangements at the funeral home, ordered flowers, and ran errands.  We stopped for lunch while we were out and at about the same time, we both noticed the sun. It was a gorgeous day.  It was the first time we had seen the sun since the day before we lost Charlotte. We thanked God for the blessing of the sun and also prayed that the next day, as grim as it would be for us, would also be sunny.

The next morning we had our usual challenge of getting the nine of us plus my sister's six all out of the house early.  Just as we were getting ready to leave, Steve's mom stopped by and said she was taking Steve's dad to the hospital due to some severe abdominal pain he had been having for a couple of days.  This added a bit more stress to an already stressful situation, especially for Steve.  All through the loss of Charlotte, we felt God had blessed us because when one of us would feel so weak, the other would be strong and carry the weak one.  This morning on the way to the funeral, I made up my mind.  Today it would be me.  When we arrived at the funeral home, our pastor met us there and prayed with us before we went in.  We really weren't sure how the kids would respond upon seeing Charlotte's casket. Steve and I had already seen it (empty) the day before and I got my emotions all out then.  It was so tiny; too tiny.  Well, the kids really surprised us.  They just walked in and we explained what would happen to them.  We walked around with them and read all the flower cards.  Then they looked at us and asked if they could go to the playroom to play.  Once again we are amazed at the resilience of kids.

Once the visitation began, we lined up.  Steve, myself, my dad, my mom, Andrew (which totally surprised us, as we never told him he had to stand with us.  He chose to.  Such a brave thing to do as an almost 13 year old), and my sister and her husband.  For the most part we held it together, we were surprised at how many of Steve's co-workers showed us.  The occasional close personal friend had me breaking down momentarily.  We were blown away by the support we felt from friends, the church (both past and present), neighbors, and co-workers.  During this whole time since losing Charlotte, we wondered who we were that people would love and support us so.

The funeral began as soon as the visitation ended.  Our immediate family took up the entire front row of  elegant chairs.  Two of our pastors shared from their hearts and from the Word of God.  I was surprised at how often they would look directly into my eyes and talk to me.  They knew the hurt I was feeling and they were speaking to my heart.

We were sitting with our whole family including the youngest children.  As you can imagine, it is hard to keep little ones quiet in a serious service, even if it is their sister's funeral.  Steve and I found ourselves wrestling and shushing them during the service.  At one point, while one of the pastors was sharing, Zoe stood up and walked straight up to the front, past the pastor to the picture of her sister Charlotte.  We had set our scrapbook pages earlier for people to write notes or scripture on.  Before the visitation began we let the kids all write a message or draw a picture to Charlotte.  Zoe wrote her name. As she marched to the front, she was asking, "where my name?"

After the funeral service, we drove to the cemetery.  Our kids thought it was cool we could drive through red lights.  We had a lot of discussion over that.  We had only immediate family to the cemetery.  At the cemetery, Pastor Tim said a few words and prayed.  Then I sat.  I felt frozen.  Before me sat my daughter's coffin and the hole where they would bury her.  How could I leave her?  Steve held me as I cried...as I sobbed.  Everyone eventually left, leaving Steve and me alone.  I still felt frozen.  Steve prayed for us.  Eventually, I was able to walk away.

We drove home where our small group and friends had prepared lunch for us.  Once again so thankful and so blessed.  I loved having everyone around, but I also felt like I wanted to run and hide.  All this socializing felt like a cover-up for what we just experienced.  I think that is something I have learned about grief.  Life goes on.  For example, we had to eat and I certainly wasn't in any state to feed us all.  But with all the life moving on, it feels as though it tries to hide the fact that there was a loss.. a very real loss.  As you can see from some of my other writings, I have struggled with this the entire time.

After everyone left, I just laid on the couch in my own little world.  I decided a nap would be a good idea.  And honestly, I don't remember the rest of the evening.

The next day began our new normal.  My sister, her family and my dad left.  For the first time, we were alone since we lost Charlotte days before.  We kept the kids home from school for one more day, just to have some family time.  This was a really hard day.  The high from making all the arrangements and preparation was over.  We were now left with not being as naive as we once were.  We were now left learning how to live the dance of lives filled with grief.  It may seem like the end, but for us it was just the beginning.

Six Months

Well, here we are.  Today has been six months since we lost Charlotte.  As I sit here this morning, I struggle with what to write.  I decided to go back and read Her Story.  I haven't read it all the way through since I've written it.  It brought up so many memories and pains.  So, instead of struggling with words today, because sometimes there aren't any.  I will leave you with her story.  Just for warning, it is quiet long.  So grab a cup of coffee and a box of tissues.

I will also leave you with the prayer I prayed this morning.

"Lord, Thank you for Charlotte - that today we can celebrate her and her being safe with you for six months.  I miss her, but am comforted in the fact I will see her again.  Use her and our story to bring you glory and honor.  Amen"  

Still Holding on to Faith

So I know its been ages since I've written.  I can blame it on a couple of reasons.  Number one the kids have been home from school for the summer and I can't seem to find time to write.  Number two, I've been struggling to write.  I haven't known what to write about.  Frankly, the last six months have been the roughest period in my life, ever.  I have not only been learning how to grieve the loss of our daughter, but I have also been dealing with some chronic health issues.  In the last three months, my life has been completely overwhelming.  Its been dark and cold and lonely.

I think when we lost Charlotte I thought that would be the hardest thing we would ever have to bear, at least for a little while.  In dealing with my health that kept getting worse, I cried out to God.  "Didn't I bring you glory in my response to the loss of Charlotte?  Why this?  Please heal me."

In the midst of our grief and my health issues, Steve and I seemed to drift from each other.  I felt as though God had abandoned me and now I felt as though Steve had as well.  I can truly say that the reason Steve and I drifted apart was because we were both learning how to grieve.  Neither one of us had experienced grief or loss before.  We both grieved in different ways.  Each of us not knowing what to do or say to the other.

Before I scare any of you, we are doing well now.  We talked to a pastor at church, who encouraged us that what we were going through was normal for marriages and escalated by our loss.  From that point, things began to turn around.

In mid-June, we also found out some exciting news.  We are expecting another baby.  We are ecstatic.  But this news, in itself has thrown a few curve balls.  Now we were not only dealing with grief, health issues and marriage issues, but we have a new baby.  This opens wounds and leaves lots and lots of opportunity for fear to creep in.

So needless to say, these are some of the reasons I haven't been writing much.  Right after we lost Charlotte, I began writing our story.  A few months ago I decided I wanted to have it done by six months.  Next week it will be six months since we lost our baby girl.  I am almost ready to publish her story.  I sat and worked on it today and am still amazed at the emotion that fills me as I write.  Here I am sitting in a loud coffee shop typing as fast as I can type with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I truly pray that our story will help and encourage others in their own losses.

As for us now,  we continue to walk in FAITH.  Having faith that God will heal me, faith our marriage will continue to grow stronger,  faith we will hold our new baby in our arms in January, faith we will know God more from the experiences we have here on this earth, and most of all we have faith in the hope we have that this life is temporary.

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

On Why I'm Running a Triathalon

So, in three days I run my first triathlon sprint.  I don't want to lie, so I'll be honest with you.  This week has been hard.  Training for this tri has been hard.  My body has felt wrecked at times.  I've wanted to quit too many times to count.

The swimming part of the tri has really stressed me out.  Up until yesterday, I didn't even know what my approximate swim time would be.  I have been afraid my time would be double what I said it would be when I signed up.  And I'm a rule follower so that stressed me out.  I swam late last week and felt so discouraged, I wanted to quite the tri all together.

The other morning I remembered a verse that has been very precious to me the last four months.

"Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  Isaiah 41:10

This verse says it perfectly.  I decided then and there that I would pray this verse over and over in my head during this swim portion.  Especially, the part about Him upholding me :)  I'm not doing this race alone, even better I'm not living my life alone.  My Savior is right there with me giving me strength.  What a promise!

Then on Monday night when my sister and I were heading out for our bike ride, I fell.  My foot got stuck in my toe clip and over I went in my driveway.  (I was moving by the way :)  When the adult body hits the ground, it hurts.  I skinned my elbow and my knee and I am bruised up and down the right side of my body.  As I lay on the ground, half laughing and half crying, I thought "this is my out.  I won't be able to do the tri now."  But, no.  It wasn't that bad, thankfully.  I needed to press on.  I got on my bike and we rode our 13 mi and it was good.

After sharing my fears of the tri over and over again with Steve, he recommended I sit down and write out why I am doing the tri.  I've shared briefly in a previous post.  So, why am I doing this triathlon?  I am doing it because it is a way I can bring Him glory.  I am doing it because He was crushed for my sins.  He was beaten for me.  He was willing to lay down His life so I could have eternal life.  It brings tears to my eyes as I write this.  If He was willing to do all this for me, than the least I can do is swim, bike and run for Him!  My body may feel broken and weak, but His body was truly broken for me...better even yet...for you...for all of mankind.  Wow!  He is so worthy!

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted."  Hebrews 12:1-3

So, even though my life has been hard these past four months and I never would have chosen this path, God is good!  He has been faithful every step of the way.  I can only trust that He will continue to be faithful.  As for Saturday, I will run with perseverance the race before me.  I run for Charlotte, so she will know that even though I still long to have her here with me, I love Jesus more.  She understands.  She is standing in His awesome presence right now.  One day I will be right there with her and we will be praising Him together.  But for now, while I am still here on this earth...I will run with His strength to bring Him glory.  

Making My Burden Lighter

For the past four months, I have had this huge burden hanging over my head.  This burden is writing thank you notes to all the many, many people who have blessed us in countless ways since we've lost Charlotte.  Beginning just days after we lost her, I had my mom buy me a journal and I began writing down the names of people and the ways they blessed us.   These blessings range from meals, gift cards, flowers, gifts, notes, laundry, to memorials.  It had been my greatest intention and desire to sit down and write to each and every person how very touched we were at their thoughtfulness and support.  But, here I sit almost five months after losing Charlotte and I still have a list of names too long and overwhelming to count.  As I sit today and try to scratch out a few more "thank you" notes, I cry.  This isn't what I want to be doing.  I do long for everyone who has blessed us to know how much their thoughtfulness has meant to us, but I don't want to write it.  I still want to hold my baby and writing thank you notes is just another reminder she is not here with me.  

A few months ago at my small group, I mentioned to my small group ladies how burdened writing thank you notes was to me.  They told me I should be exempt from writing thank you notes under the circumstances.  They all told me not to write one to them.  I poured out my heart to them, thanking them for the way they carried us with actions and prayers through the most difficult time we have ever faced.  I cannot even explain the burden I felt lifted from me that night, knowing I didn't have to write them.  

Alas, this blog.  I know I have already written to some of you, but to others the notes haven't come.  I want to seriously apologize.  I will not be writing more thank you notes.  We are so blessed to have such an excellent group of friends and family.  We have been completely humbled that so many would chose to love us in our darkest hours.  I realize that writing thank you notes is probably just a burden I have placed on myself, but in the earlier days it felt like the thing I should do.  But now, I am giving myself grace to just say THANK YOU now and let the notes slide.  This doesn't mean we don't appreciate everything you have done, it just means I still need to heal.  I need to protect myself from making obligations on myself that drain me.  

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  --- Galatians 6:2

I only pray that in the future that I would love others well in the same way that others have loved us so well.  

Three Months and a Mini Tri

It is hard to believe it has been three months since we lost our beautiful Charlotte.  At times it feels like it has been years and at other times it feels like we never had her and then lost her.  Although, we had her for only a short time, I still miss her.  I think about the things we will miss.  Three months is when Steve usually begins bonding with our babies more.  Three months is the time when I begin to feel like my life will someday be more normal again.  After all, having a newborn is a lot of hard work.  Around three months, they sometimes begin to sleep longer.

Losing Charlotte has taught me quite a few things.  One of those things is about fear.  I've come to a realization that I have now faced one of the worst things I could have possibly imagined, losing a child. The only thing worse than that for me would be to lose Steve.  Although losing her has broken my heart and brought me such utter anguish...too hard to put into words, it has made me stronger.  It has given me a greater faith in God than I could imagine.  I have never before experienced His great goodness He graciously poured over me continually.  How He carried me through the whole experience.  How He helped me stand when my legs buckled beneath me in sorrow.  I am so grateful for His continual presence and the encouragement He has given me through His Word.

Back to fear.  Since going though the tragic loss of Charlotte, its made me braver.  I look at things that once would scare me to death and weigh it in comparison of losing my child.  Usually, it weighs nothing in comparison.  I say to myself, "if I survived and was made stronger through losing a child, than this _________ is nothing.  Why not give it a go?"

One of those fears is swimming.  Shortly after losing Charlotte, my sister said we should do a triathalon.  I said okay.  Crazy me!  So we decided a month ago to try a mini triathalon (1/4 mi swim, 15 mi bike, and 3.1 mi run.) in June.  It has given me something to work for, something to distract me, a goal.  The thing is... I don't swim.  I can keep myself from drowning, but frankly I am scared to throw myself into a pool and expect my body to swim 1/4 mi. without drowning.  In comparison to losing my Charlotte, it should be cake. ((insert chuckle))  I am going to train and I am going to do that tri.  I'm going to pray that God gives me at least a fraction of the strength He gave me three months ago.

God and my daughter have taught me that life here on earth is so temporal.  So, why not take some leaps of faith.