It is hard to believe it has been three months since we lost our beautiful Charlotte. At times it feels like it has been years and at other times it feels like we never had her and then lost her. Although, we had her for only a short time, I still miss her. I think about the things we will miss. Three months is when Steve usually begins bonding with our babies more. Three months is the time when I begin to feel like my life will someday be more normal again. After all, having a newborn is a lot of hard work. Around three months, they sometimes begin to sleep longer.
Losing Charlotte has taught me quite a few things. One of those things is about fear. I've come to a realization that I have now faced one of the worst things I could have possibly imagined, losing a child. The only thing worse than that for me would be to lose Steve. Although losing her has broken my heart and brought me such utter anguish...too hard to put into words, it has made me stronger. It has given me a greater faith in God than I could imagine. I have never before experienced His great goodness He graciously poured over me continually. How He carried me through the whole experience. How He helped me stand when my legs buckled beneath me in sorrow. I am so grateful for His continual presence and the encouragement He has given me through His Word.
Back to fear. Since going though the tragic loss of Charlotte, its made me braver. I look at things that once would scare me to death and weigh it in comparison of losing my child. Usually, it weighs nothing in comparison. I say to myself, "if I survived and was made stronger through losing a child, than this _________ is nothing. Why not give it a go?"
One of those fears is swimming. Shortly after losing Charlotte, my sister said we should do a triathalon. I said okay. Crazy me! So we decided a month ago to try a mini triathalon (1/4 mi swim, 15 mi bike, and 3.1 mi run.) in June. It has given me something to work for, something to distract me, a goal. The thing is... I don't swim. I can keep myself from drowning, but frankly I am scared to throw myself into a pool and expect my body to swim 1/4 mi. without drowning. In comparison to losing my Charlotte, it should be cake. ((insert chuckle)) I am going to train and I am going to do that tri. I'm going to pray that God gives me at least a fraction of the strength He gave me three months ago.
God and my daughter have taught me that life here on earth is so temporal. So, why not take some leaps of faith.