Friday, September 20, 2013

Waiting in Faith

Last week I had an appointment with a Perinatologist to have a detailed sonogram on the baby and get his opinion if we could do anything to prevent another still birth.  I am so happy to say that this new baby looked great to them.  Nothing caused them any concern.  I am also happy to announce that the new addition to our family will be a BOY!  As big of relief finding out the baby is healthy is, I am more fearful now than before I had my appointment.  You see, Charlotte was perfectly healthy up until we lost her too.

As I walked into my appointment, I was a nervous wreck.  When the nurse took my blood pressure, she asked if I was nervous (understatment of the day).  I told her yes and asked her if my blood pressure was high.  She told me the numbers and it was extremely high for me.  All the while we were in that office, I couldn't stop shaking.  As the sonographer did my sonogram, I don't think I breathed much.

The doctor came in after the sonogram to give us the results.  He was very kind and gentle.  He asked us about what we had come to learn about Charlotte's death.  He had already read the reports, so he knew.  I think he just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.  He continued to talk about the reasons we may have lost Charlotte.  To the best of our knowledge, an infection entered into the uterus, thus making Charlotte sick rapidly and ultimately killing her.  I showed no sign of infection.  When all the pathology tests were done after I delivered her, three types of bacteria showed up.  The doctors still act like her loss is a bit inconclusive, but they do believe the infection had a part to play.  To try to assure that this doesn't happen again, I will be tested for infection at around 34 weeks and I will then be monitored very closely with appointments with my doctor at least twice a week until I deliver.  After my testing is done and we know approximately how big the baby is at that point, we will discuss if early induction is an option.

Wow, this has turned into a medical blog :) After we discussed this, the doctor asked me how I felt about this pregnancy...if I was afraid.  That is when I lost it.  I told him that yes I was scared, but that I firmly believe God has a plan and a purpose for this baby's life just like He had for Charlotte's life.   I told him no matter how I felt, I trusted God and that I know God is faithful.  I pretty much choked it out.

As we walked out of that office last week, I was thankful for the pictures of our healthy son and excited to know him more, but also leaving that day, this new pregnancy and walk of faith became more real than it had been before.  Now we knew it was a boy and we could stop calling him "it" or the "baby."  I came to the realization that day that this entire pregnancy is going to require so much more faith than I have ever had to have.  I realized each and every day and sometime each and every moment, I will have to cling to the promises of who God says He is and what He does is good.  I realized last week that the next four months aren't going to be easy, in fact they are going to be rather hard.  This week as I am digging deep in the Word, I am reminded that God goes before me, He is with me and He is working in my waiting.  So, in this time of difficult time of waiting, I cling to my Savior, who is ever present, who is working all things for my good, and who has a plan in all of this too great for me to comprehend.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

I Never Saw Her Eyes


I have a wall in the basement that has close ups of all of the kids.  Steve gave me three of them for Mother's Day back when the three boys were quite little.  With each addition to our family, I buy another frame (I'm still amazed that Hobby Lobby still carries the same one after all these years) and add a close-up of the new baby to the others.  

After we lost Charlotte, I wanted to add her picture along with the rest and I finally got around to asking my friend, Jacque, to order me one.  Charlotte's picture came in last week.  I had mixed emotions.  I was excited to add it to the rest since she is a part of our family, but it also hurt to see her.  

As I got around to hanging the picture, I cleaned the frame and placed her photo inside.  I took it to the basement and arranged all the photos to fit Charlotte's on an empty nail.  After I placed it on the wall, I stood back to look at them.  It broke me.  It hit me as I looked at all the pictures of the other seven smiling kids, that I would never see Charlotte smile.  Her eyes were shut tight, while the other children's eyes sparkled with joy.  As I looked at their eyes, I realized I never even saw Charlotte's eyes and that I never would.  I broke down crying.  

This whole mourning thing comes and goes.  It is the strangest thing.  I am realizing more and more that I will have a lifetime of mourning the loss of what could have been and what we are missing by not having with Charlotte here with us.  I suppose that is why some call mourning a dance.  

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Blessings in the Movements

So, yesterday I hit the 20 week mark in this new pregnancy.  It is amazing how quickly the time is going.  Half way there, wow!  I am beginning to feel the baby move more and more.  Today while I was driving, I felt a little nudge.  This nudge took me back to when I was pregnant with Charlotte.  From the first time I felt Charlotte move inside me, I was amazed.  Having so many children has taught me to not take the little things for granted.  I've seen many seasons of pregnancy, babyhood and childhood come and go so very quickly; some quite challenging and some simply delightful.  I've tried to embrace each season with comfort in the knowledge that it will soon pass and not wanting to miss anything in the moment.  I know that many of those moments, as rough as they were, I would never get back again.

I never grew tired of feeling Charlotte move inside of me.  Feeling her stretch, poke and move always brought me amazement.  Even though I have had many pregnancies, I was in awe each and every time I felt my daughter.  I always felt humbled and honored that God would chose to bless us with another life.

Feeling this new baby's life also reminds me of the day I no longer felt Charlotte's life in me.  This brings fear and a whole load of other emotions.  Even though my heart still aches with missing Charlotte, I am so grateful for the nine months I had with her.  I am thankful for the bond we created each and every time I felt her move. That is how I knew her.

This new pregnancy reminds me to not take any of this pregnancy stuff, no matter how challenging or uncomfortable, for granted.  I know well that it may last all too short.  Once again I am humbled and amazed that my God would love me enough to bless me with another life.  I look forward to knowing this little one through his/her kicks and movements just as I knew his/her sister.  Even though this pregnancy requires more faith than any of my other pregnancies, I know God is good and He has a plan for this little one's life, the same way He has a plan for Charlotte's life.  I can trust Him!