One Year of Loss

A few weeks back marked a year since our Charlotte went to be with the Lord.  Steve and I were just talking the other day about how sometimes it seems like it was only last week and other times it feels like it never happened.  I wish I had something profound to say about living with grief, about some huge things I learned over the past year.  I don't.  I think grief is one of those things that we won't ever be able to fully put our heads around and explain in a pattern.  Grief is unpredictable.  One minute you are fine and the next it hits you like you just got run over by a semi and you don't know which way is up.

The week leading up to her death anniversary was really rough.  It seemed we had challenges all around.  In my mind, I knew Saturday, February 8 was coming quickly.  I was worried about how I would respond with the one year anniversary of our loss.  That made me super sensitive (like I wasn't  already sensitive after having a baby 6 weeks earlier :) and on edge.  To make matters a bit more difficult, February 8 is also Leah's birthday.  I was worried about making her day special, especially since her birthday last year was so dark.  I, also, was worried about how I could manage celebration along with grief and mourning.

When I woke up that morning, I was like, here we go.  I took time that morning to sit down and write for a bit.  I am so thankful for being able to write.   Writing has proved to be healing in so many ways this past year (but that is a whole other post).

As I showered that morning, it all hit me and I broke down.  I felt loss, anger, guilt.  So many emotions at one time.  I wanted to mourn, but I also wanted to make the day special for Leah and I felt I didn't know how to do both.  I can now look back and see that the Lord met me in those moments and He gave me strength to face the day.  Once again, I am blown away by his grace, something I so don't deserve and something I could never do on my own.

Steve and I had already made plans to visit the cemetery with the kids and take pink roses.  The kids haven't been there since her funeral last year and Steve and I have only been once.  We finally had her headstone installed in October and we hadn't even seen it yet.  It was snowing and it was so beautiful out.  We were thankful for the cemetery we chose.  It is in the country, backed up to the woods and oh, so beautiful.   We had to tromp through the snow to get to her grave.  All I can say is that it was beautiful.  I had no tears (I got those out earlier).  It was just a special time with the kids.

Then we got on with the rest of our day.  Leah was so gracious.  I truly believe she enjoyed her special day to the fullest.

I am so thankful for God's graciousness that day.

Leah is Six !

This week we celebrated Leah's sixth birthday. It is so hard to believe. She is our "holiday" girl, so we had to be extra careful to make her day special. The day before we made pink cupcakes for her to take to school for her birthday. She really enjoyed decorating them with sprinkles. Another special thing for her birthday is that my mom was here to help celebrate it with us.

Leah decided that she wanted to buy a cake for her birthday, instead of me making one for her. So after she got home from school that day, we headed off to the grocery store to pick out a cake, as seen below. After we found her cake, I decided it would be fun to take her to McDonald's for lunch. She loved it.

We also told Leah she could pick what we would have for dinner. Her choice was macaroni and cheese, chicken breasts and I added broccoli to it. It was an easy and kid friendly.

Leah is turning into such a young lady and we are so proud of her. On her birthday, we celebrate Leah and are so thankful God chose to bless us with our first daughter. Happy Birthday, Leah!

My big Birthday Girl

Leah showing off the castle she built with her grandma. Thanks, Aunt Laura, the crafty things were a hit.

Leah's Lingo

The girls recently learned how to wrap a towel around their hair. Their grandma taught them and they think it is really neat. Today, Leah wrapped Nate's blanket around her head and came up to our friend Lois. Following is their conversation.

Lois: "Why are you wearing that on your head?"

Leah: "I'm a weenie!"

Lois: "A what? What's a weenie?"

Leah: "Yeah, you know like from Aladdin. The one that comes out of tea cups."

Lois: "Oohhhh, A Genie!"

Leah: "Yeah, a genie!"

The Girls

Here are some random pictures of the girls. The were all taken within the last week. (See Glenda, I'm working on being back).

Best Friends

Leah's Lingo

I found the girls playing in their room this morning.

Leah says to me, "I'm playing I just had a tiny baby and I am in bed."

I look over at her and she is tucked right into bed with her baby doll tucked into the baby bed pulled right up to the side of her bed. Gee, can you tell we have brought a few babies home from the hospital? BTW, Anna was ironing baby clothes at the time. Girls are so fun and they play so differently than boys.

Best Friends

Megan and Leah are best friends. They will both call each other it too. They are two peas in a pod. Rachel (Megan's mom) and I once took them into the bathroom at church together and the two of them giggled and talked the whole time. Rachel and I just shook our heads. I didn't realize how girls do the friend thing. My boys have been completely different. They will be friends and play with anyone. I don't know if they have ever said they have had a best friend.
In the above picture, Megan is wearing Leah's sweatshirt. This is not uncommon either. Leah says Megan can borrow her clothes. When Megan leaves our house, she almost always has something that Leah has given her. I am amazed that girl and clothes sharing thing has started so early.
A couple months ago, Megan was staying at her grandparents for the week. When she got home, she asked if she could go to Leah's house. She said that while she was at her grandma and grandpa's, Leah text her and told her she could come over. Rachel had to call me to tell me this. We cracked up. Apparently, the girls have their own cell phones and text each other. I asked Leah if she got a text from Megan and she said, "no." I would have died if she would have said yes. These girls just crack us all up. It is so fun to watch their special girly friendship.

Leah's Lingo

Our weather has been hot, hot, hot over here. It is actually too hot to not have air conditioning. We just lay around in the afternoons as we don't feel like doing anything. The other day, I got out the sprinkler for the kids to play in. They were so excited they wore their swimming suits all day.

I thought I would share a little bit of how English Leah is.

1. While playing in the sprinkler, she yells, "I don't like this swimming costume!" We asked her why laughing under our breath. She said, "It's too cold!" BTW, swimming costumes are what they call bathing suits in England. I have never used that term and wonder where Leah picked it up. I think she probably got it from a TV show or something.

2. While she was in the bathroom the other day, "Mom, I'm nearly done."

Happy Birthday Leah

Today we celebrated Leah's fourth birthday. She is such a big girl. We had a nice afternoon at home and then she opened her gifts. She chose to go to McDonald's for dinner and then we came home to have cake. Leah loved her birthday so much that when we put her to bed she started crying. Steve asked her what was wrong and she said that she didn't want her special day and birthday to be over. How precious is that? None of the other kids have done anything like that. I think I am getting a little glimpse of the drama of girls.

We are so thankful to be blessed with Leah for another year. She is a spunky and delightful little girl and we all love her so much.

Leah and her big brothers

Leah blowing out the candles on her princess birthday cake.

Opening her gifts.

HAPPY FOURTH BIRTHDAY, LEAH!!!!!!

Leah's Lingo

A few days ago we were talking about the election and the new president. Leah has obviously been paying attention to us because she likes to talk about "Rock a Bom Bom" (Barack Obama).
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At dinner tonight we had scrambled eggs. There were not too many left so I asked if Leah would like the rest. As I scooped what was left , she looked into the pan and said "Dad, there a big snudge of eggs." She was referring to the last little piece of egg that I had neglected to give her.