Blessings

For Charlotte's funeral, I picked the song "Blessings" by Laura Story to be sung by our pastor's wife.  For a couple weeks before we lost Charlotte, I had been hearing it on the radio a lot.  Now that I think about it, it was just another way God was preparing me for what was to happen in our family.  After we lost Charlotte, I knew I wanted my pastor's wife to sing "Blessings" and "Give Me Faith."  About a year earlier, she had sung "Blessings" in church with her daughter.  When I called her to ask if she would sing, I couldn't remember the name of the song.  I was like "the one you sang about a year ago and it has the word tears or something in it."  She knew immediately and she said yes!  

When I first picked "Blessings," I picked it because of the chorus...

Cause what if Your Blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

The Lord knew I had shed many, many tears and I needed to feel Him near.  I needed to feel that even in this just maybe it was His mercies disguised in pain.

As time went on the days and weeks after her funeral.  I would play the song and it took on a completely different meaning for me.  One day I heard it as I was driving home from Costco and just began merging onto the highway and I began to weep.  Not so good when you are accelerating up to 70 mph.  The verses are what made me weep.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

I wept out of conviction.  I'm guilty.  I pray those things.  I pray His blessings on myself and over my family.   I pray protection for my kids while they sleep.  I pray for God to take the hard things out of my life.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't believe it is wrong to ask God for these things.  But sometimes I pray selfishly, for God to make my life easy and comfortable rather than praying for his will.  This is where my weeping stemmed from.  How dare I think that I should know how my life should be or end up, that it should be problem and pain free.  As the song says, its about His love for us.  This love that "loves us too much to give us lesser things."  The part that really brought me to my knees in repentance is...

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Ugh!  Do I believe Him in His goodness as I say that I do?  Do I believe He is who He says He is in His Word?  Or do I throw it back in His face and say, "You're not with me because I don't feel you,  because my circumstances are tough and because they don't seem to be getting better"?   What if each and every day He is giving me His mercies?  Be it the hard days or the easy ones.

For me, His mercies in disguise in this time of mourning are knowing Him more for who He is.  I love the line toward the end of the song that says, "what if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy."  That's it!  That is exactly what He has taught me through this struggle.  I long for Him!  In this world I'm gonna have trials, but it makes me long for Him and Heaven all the more.

For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  Philipians 1:21

This song has changed my prayer life.  I still get caught up in the "all about me prayers," but "Blessings" has made me think twice.  I want my prayers and my life to be "all about Him and His glory."  I have to believe He knows the best way to bring Himself glory whether it be through pain or "blessings."  

 

Sickness in Large Families

As most of you can guess, having sickness in a large family looks a bit different than it does when you have just a couple of kids.  It tends to last a lot longer and show itself differently depending on the child.  It is a very trying time and the sickness no matter what it is keeps getting passed from person to person.  Some moments and days I cry in discouragement and at other moments I laugh because all of this is so ridiculous.

Right now we have the stomach flu going through the children.  This isn't your normal stomach bug either.  It is long lasting with each of the children and its been making the youngest ones miserable.  You know, lay on the couch moaning, groaning and whining, miserable?  The kind of sickness that makes you cry because you can't take away their pain and discomfort.  Today we are on day ten of this flu.  As of this morning, five of the kids have had some sort of it.  It is hitting the youngest ones the hardest.  Nate has had it since Saturday and he is still moaning and groaning.

All I can do to survive this is every morning as I wake up I cry out to God, "Help me today!"  I remind myself many times throughout the day that "His Grace is sufficient for me...His power is made perfect in my weakness."  Man, am I weak right now.  That is perfect because that is when He steps in to work, if I let Him.

Two scriptures I have been leaning on today are:

"Therefore He is able to save completely those who come to God through Him, because he always lives to intercede for them." Hebrews 7:25

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:3&4

Today the desires of my heart are wellness for my family and protection for me and Steve so we don't get it.  I am so thankful to have Jesus interceding for me.  I get so exhausted I don't even know what to pray or how to pray.  I looked back in my blog archives from a couple of years ago and found two other posts on sickness in large families if you are interested.  Go here and here.

Fear Creeps In

I actually should title this "When Satan Tries To Creep In."  My life is a spiritual battlefield.  I have grown so close to the Lord in the past few weeks as He has carried me through losing Charlotte.  I have spent more time in the Word and have been praying continually throughout the day.  Recently, I have known Jesus as my protector, my shield, my refuge, my strength, my comfort and my peace.  Today I was reminded that as I grow more and more in love with my Jesus, Satan wants to destroy that.  He wants to distract me.  He wants me to fear.  He wants me to question my trust in God.  Knowing from past experiences he knows just how to trick me and that is fear.

"Be self-controlled and alert.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

As I mentioned in the last post, Zoe is sick with a stomach bug.  When I finally got in the shower today,  Satan began his attack.  I began to worry.  You know the "what ifs"?  What if...she gets sicker?, ...I lose her too?  This is when I quickly realized the attack.  Often in the past I would have kept on going right along as the fears and worry consumed me.  Praise the Lord!  He is good!  This time I recognized it early and began to fight back.

This came instantly to mind.  When Jesus was tempted in the desert by Satan, the weapon He used against Satan schemes was the Word of God, the Bible.  Jesus replied to Satan three different times, "It is written..."  If Jesus used the Word against Satan then I would too.  I began telling myself some of the promises that He has given me through His Word.  Promises that have been meaningful to me lately.  

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

So do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5&6 

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."  Psalm 91:1 

I am so thankful for God's Word.  I am thankful that through it He gives me everything I need.  I am thankful that the Word is living and active (Hebrews 4:12).  I am thankful that the Word is true (Psalm 33:4).  I am thankful that the Word is a lamp for my feet and a light for my path (Psalm 119:105).

Since I began this blog a few days ago, another one of my kids has gotten the stomach bug too, my dish washer has broken, I had to go into the ER to have an ultrasound for a possible blood clot in my leg (thankfully, it wasn't a clot).  Everyday is a battlefield.  Satan is working hard at destroying me and making me doubt my God, but He will not steal my joy or my worship of My Creator, My King!

On Seeking God

Recently, Steve and I seem to have quite a few things we are seeking God for answers and direction in. During this time we have been more diligent than ever in praying and fasting for God to give us wisdom and for him to reveal his will for us. And, yet we still wait.

Towards the end of last week, I found myself getting frustrated that I haven't been hearing God give us any answers. I felt like, "Come on God, you know we've been seeking you and your will. You know our hearts and that we want to do and be a part of your plan and yet you remain silent."

I took some time on Sunday and again on Monday afternoon to pray, journal and read the scriptures. Now that I reflect back on those times, I believe that God has spoken to me. He was telling me that the answers to all of my questions for him are very small in the big picture that he has for me/us and that if he answered even one of my prayers, then I would possibly cease to seek him.

Steve and I were discussing this just this evening. Yes, we do have things we desire answers for. But maybe, just maybe God is remaining silent so that we will seek him and not give up in seeking him. One of the scriptures I read yesterday is Matthew 6:33-34...

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow..."

In these verses, I found what we believe is God's will for us right now. That is to seek FIRST him, his kingdom and his righteousness. As we do these with perseverance without giving up, fixing our eyes on Jesus, he will answer us in his time. He knows our hearts and the very best way to reveal his will to us. He knows when is the right time, so that after he shows us the answers we so long to hear, we will continue to seek him and not stop just because he answered us. The biggest plan he has for us is for us to know him and to be like him. One way we know him is to SEEK him.

So right now, we

SEEK.

A New Day

As I pull back the curtains early in the morning, I see the snow gently falling on the trees and the ground. As I look to the back yard, the ground is covered with a NEW, FRESH blanket of snow. It is absolutely beautiful. I realize then, that not only is there fresh, clean white snow covering my yard, but what it covers is just as wonderous.

I am reminded that it is a NEW DAY!

You see, after every new snowfall at least five of my little ones head out to explore, build, play, and roll in the new softness that awaits them. This also means for days or weeks after that, until we get more snow, my yard has tracks, roads made from shovels, partial forts, and toys scattered throughout it. At times, I look out and think it's not pretty anymore. Most of the time it looks quite messy, actually.

As I pulled the curtains open today, it was as if God was whispering to me in the new snow. He was reminding me that it is a new day. That the messy things, the complicated things, the challenges I have faced during the week or even just yesterday are all erased, just as the snow covers the tracks in my yard.

In the stillness and the quiet, I whisper a prayer of thanks to God for making all things new in his time.