Last week I had an appointment with a Perinatologist to have a detailed sonogram on the baby and get his opinion if we could do anything to prevent another still birth. I am so happy to say that this new baby looked great to them. Nothing caused them any concern. I am also happy to announce that the new addition to our family will be a BOY! As big of relief finding out the baby is healthy is, I am more fearful now than before I had my appointment. You see, Charlotte was perfectly healthy up until we lost her too.
As I walked into my appointment, I was a nervous wreck. When the nurse took my blood pressure, she asked if I was nervous (understatment of the day). I told her yes and asked her if my blood pressure was high. She told me the numbers and it was extremely high for me. All the while we were in that office, I couldn't stop shaking. As the sonographer did my sonogram, I don't think I breathed much.
The doctor came in after the sonogram to give us the results. He was very kind and gentle. He asked us about what we had come to learn about Charlotte's death. He had already read the reports, so he knew. I think he just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. He continued to talk about the reasons we may have lost Charlotte. To the best of our knowledge, an infection entered into the uterus, thus making Charlotte sick rapidly and ultimately killing her. I showed no sign of infection. When all the pathology tests were done after I delivered her, three types of bacteria showed up. The doctors still act like her loss is a bit inconclusive, but they do believe the infection had a part to play. To try to assure that this doesn't happen again, I will be tested for infection at around 34 weeks and I will then be monitored very closely with appointments with my doctor at least twice a week until I deliver. After my testing is done and we know approximately how big the baby is at that point, we will discuss if early induction is an option.
Wow, this has turned into a medical blog :) After we discussed this, the doctor asked me how I felt about this pregnancy...if I was afraid. That is when I lost it. I told him that yes I was scared, but that I firmly believe God has a plan and a purpose for this baby's life just like He had for Charlotte's life. I told him no matter how I felt, I trusted God and that I know God is faithful. I pretty much choked it out.
As we walked out of that office last week, I was thankful for the pictures of our healthy son and excited to know him more, but also leaving that day, this new pregnancy and walk of faith became more real than it had been before. Now we knew it was a boy and we could stop calling him "it" or the "baby." I came to the realization that day that this entire pregnancy is going to require so much more faith than I have ever had to have. I realized each and every day and sometime each and every moment, I will have to cling to the promises of who God says He is and what He does is good. I realized last week that the next four months aren't going to be easy, in fact they are going to be rather hard. This week as I am digging deep in the Word, I am reminded that God goes before me, He is with me and He is working in my waiting. So, in this time of difficult time of waiting, I cling to my Savior, who is ever present, who is working all things for my good, and who has a plan in all of this too great for me to comprehend.