Sunday, June 2, 2013

Making My Burden Lighter

For the past four months, I have had this huge burden hanging over my head.  This burden is writing thank you notes to all the many, many people who have blessed us in countless ways since we've lost Charlotte.  Beginning just days after we lost her, I had my mom buy me a journal and I began writing down the names of people and the ways they blessed us.   These blessings range from meals, gift cards, flowers, gifts, notes, laundry, to memorials.  It had been my greatest intention and desire to sit down and write to each and every person how very touched we were at their thoughtfulness and support.  But, here I sit almost five months after losing Charlotte and I still have a list of names too long and overwhelming to count.  As I sit today and try to scratch out a few more "thank you" notes, I cry.  This isn't what I want to be doing.  I do long for everyone who has blessed us to know how much their thoughtfulness has meant to us, but I don't want to write it.  I still want to hold my baby and writing thank you notes is just another reminder she is not here with me.  

A few months ago at my small group, I mentioned to my small group ladies how burdened writing thank you notes was to me.  They told me I should be exempt from writing thank you notes under the circumstances.  They all told me not to write one to them.  I poured out my heart to them, thanking them for the way they carried us with actions and prayers through the most difficult time we have ever faced.  I cannot even explain the burden I felt lifted from me that night, knowing I didn't have to write them.  

Alas, this blog.  I know I have already written to some of you, but to others the notes haven't come.  I want to seriously apologize.  I will not be writing more thank you notes.  We are so blessed to have such an excellent group of friends and family.  We have been completely humbled that so many would chose to love us in our darkest hours.  I realize that writing thank you notes is probably just a burden I have placed on myself, but in the earlier days it felt like the thing I should do.  But now, I am giving myself grace to just say THANK YOU now and let the notes slide.  This doesn't mean we don't appreciate everything you have done, it just means I still need to heal.  I need to protect myself from making obligations on myself that drain me.  

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."  --- Galatians 6:2

I only pray that in the future that I would love others well in the same way that others have loved us so well.  

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