...but I want to hold on.
It's been two weeks since we found out our precious Charlotte had no life inside my womb. Two weeks that have been a whirlwind. Everything happened so fast and then it was all over. I still sit and wonder what happened. Did we really lose our baby girl? This must be a horrible dream and when will I ever wake up?
I am so grateful for my family...for my children that I do have here with me. They have been a great distraction from the hurt and the pain, but also at the same time, life goes on for them and for us. I have a large family and I am still a mother. Just because I lose a child doesn't mean I can stop living or stop being a mother. I even found myself disciplining my children at the funeral home the morning of Charlotte's funeral. That part of my life doesn't stop.
Last night I was hit with the realization that my life right now looks exactly like what my life looked like two weeks ago before we lost Charlotte. This realization hurts me. My biggest fear in losing Charlotte is that I will forget her, especially since we never really knew her. Everyone keeps telling me that I will never forget her and I know they are trying to help, but I see it happening each and every day. I am caught up in my job, being a mother to my other seven children. It is a big job. There is still laundry to wash, meals to make, beds to make, discipline to be dealt, fights to break up, noses to wipe. These keep me busy and distracted. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. This is the only job I have desired my whole life. I have the best children and husband. But, among all of this my arms still ache to hold my precious baby girl.
My body is healing and it doesn't even feel like I was pregnant two weeks ago. Somedays, it feels like the nightmare we have been through has never happened, except I remember. I remember when we found out we were expecting Charlotte. I remember us naming her middle name Faith. I remember telling the kids we were having another baby and I remember their excitement. I remember feeling Charlotte move inside of me. I remember how I never tired of feeling her and I how I got excited each and every time. I remember when we decided her name would be Charlotte because it was so beautiful. I remember getting to the end of my pregnancy and aching to hold her and to know her just like I have all my other children. Only this time it would be different. I would only get to know her for nine months and see and hold her for three short hours.
I don't want to forget one moment of any of it. I long to remember my sweet baby girl. I long to remember this pain I feel because it means I love her. I long to hold on even if life does move on.