Thursday, April 11, 2013

Spring and Longing

Today I finally got myself to clean out Charlotte's dresser and put the baby girl clothes back in the bin to go back to storage.  It seems as if I was just washing and folding them, preparing for her arrival.  As I pull out the newborn clothes each time we are preparing for the birth of one of our children, I am in awe of how tiny they are.  I get all excited to dress my new babies in them and I dream about what they will look like and who they will become.  I'm sad because Charlotte will never wear them.  I bought a couple new outfits just for her and I will never see her in them.  I am sad that I will never get to dress watch her grow before my eyes.

It's been two months since we lost Charlotte.  I miss her.  I cried today because I once again long to hold her.  I have this idea in my head that as time goes on this longing and sadness I feel will go away.  It hasn't.  In the last week, I have dreamed and longed to hold her in my arms more than ever.  It may be the fact that it is now Spring.  New life is forming all around.  I always have a longing to have a baby in my arms when Spring comes around.  This year I should have.  This make me sad and makes my arms ache all the more.

This morning, I read a blog, of another mom who lost her baby girl, and I cried for her.  She made a comment that really stuck with me.  She said to her daughter, "every day we are closer to where you are and we will rejoice to see you again." I'm so thankful I have this confidence.  It doesn't make today hurt any less, but it gives me great hope for the future.

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